how many lips does it take to kill a man

today was a pretty dynamic day i suppose, after a rather erratic evening. last night, i got lost to mansfield, to a party thrown by a couple of fun TCU folks that we all realized i don't actually know very well. i drank champagne from the bottle and had my face painted like a tiger. all in all, a successful endeavor. there was a phoenix dance party? i left mansfield for the goat, intending to see some friends in town from everywhere. ran into many people i didn't expect to see. mostly pleasant surprises. there was a strange tension there. a couple of really random, dumb, macho-bullshit fights that occurred. lots of overzealous, loud drunks at the karaoke mic. but it was fun nonetheless. i was pretty toasty myself when i was finally called up to sing, so i think i performed a pretty rousing rendition of 9-5. woulda done dolly proud.

woke up this morning confused whether or not i was supposed to work, considering the agency is closed until jan. 4. but i had gotten an email from the owner, asking for some locations help. so i handled all of that mess, then got up to my dad's office to handle the "car situation". the "car situation" being that i found one on craigslist that i'm interested in the current owner/seller of which was expecting us to check it out/test drive it today. i also had to deal with finances, etc. long story short, i learned about loans today, i.e. i applied for one, with the gracious help of my father. in other words, i'm on my way to halfway purchasing my first car. so that's kind of exciting.

as much as i am determined to need as little financial help as possible from my dad, today it was really sweet how helpful he was in assisting my search for a decent, fairly priced car, even though it's my own stupid fault that i require such a thing. with not one hint of resentment or blame in his voice, he called around asking for reliable price quotes, sounding as close to proud as one could be in a conversation with a used car dealer.

i started my field recordings today. i'm not quite sure what i'll do with them or by what method i'll be able to present them. but i like the idea of collecting sounds or snippets of conversations that tell a story or create an image.

i also decided that i'm going to go for my master's degree after completing this semester at UTD, converting the credits into an MFA program here or elsewhere. i can do that. i should do that. i want to do that. i also want to finish culling through and editing the thousands of photos i took in israel, for the gazillionth fucking time.

got home after dad and i went to the bank to apply for the loan, which i'll hear back about tomorrow. hung out for a while before becca came by with her violin and viola and enthusiasm. we sat down and hammered out some beginnings for 4 songs. one was just an improv that we finished, the rest we'll continue to work on by sending the garageband files back and forth and building on them. pretty excited about that and tonight and what we got accomplished, which is really a lot of fun and the foundations for some neat song ideas. i fucking love playing with her. we have the same appreciation for spontaneity in songwriting and recording, so it was a blast.

i'm reading siddhartha, and it causes me to wonder which path i'm taking in my own life in relation to hesse's main character in his many incarnations as a human. curious...

krissmiss kandy klause

things that have been done in the past 24-ish hours, by me:

watched mrs. doubtfire

watched nightmare before christmas

looked at snow

slept

woke up

watched the rest of nightmare before christmas

walked to cvs in snow

walked to taj mahal, ate

drank a beer and talked to the owner about nose rings

walked home

read siddhartha

did laundry

took a shower.

organized a bit.

practiced a song.

had an idea about recordings.

cut a sheet and made a shirt

put on shirt

listened to this song:

it has been a lonely, quiet day. an introspective day. a hopeful one. a bit of a scary one. but nice.

heard from some good friends. the fact that it's christmas doesn't really affect me at all, save for the fact that most businesses are closed and most people are with their respective families. so i'm quiet. and i sit. and i do whatever i decide to do. it was really lovely to get out of the house. in the melting snow. my nose was a bit numb from the wind, but all in all it wasn't dreadfully cold. i don't feel any tension in my body besides abdominal cramps, and those are involuntary. the rest of my muscles are relaxed. i've quit smoking. it's been surprisingly simple. not easy. i would love a cigarette. but i won't. because i have a reason not to. there are good things happening. my intention is to focus on my photos. and recording. and more good things.

the isn't the last song.

dancer in the dark is the saddest movie i have ever seen.

don't you want me baby, balls...

worked all day. ran many errands. picked up promo materials from paper arts. wonderful place. lovely owner. pigtails. told me about dragonfire yoga. totally thinking about it. there's a sanskrit blessing themed class that she teaches. also found out about the creative arts center of dallas, which hosts classes for lots of really cool things like emulsion transfer photography workshops. totally going to look into that. found out that our mailman is named emelin. upon asking where his name originated, he told me he was muslim and grew up in this tiny town in texas. and he doesn't like cigarette smoke. good dude. yesterday i saw a man pushing a stroller with a bugs bunny doll inside. he triumphantly showed me the brand new, unopened pack of marlboro lights he'd found in a plastic bag near a dumpster. flashed all two of his smiley teeth. another good dude.

after work, i went home and ended up lighting hanukkah candles with dad and bro before dad's basketball game at the JCC. mom had a vocal recital tonight at her teacher's home, so eddie and i went. it was really cute. she was late, as usual. we beat her there. as usual. but she sang beautifully. she messed up the lyrics a bit, but she was the only one that noticed. when she sings i'm so proud of her. because she's very good. and she knows. it's the one place where she knows where she's going. shesheshe. mom. i shot a bit of video. her friend bess told me a story of her former husband, who was syrian. he made her walk behind him while she was pregnant, apparently a tradition of the syrians? no idea. she has a wonderful, meandering alto voice. striking silver hair, perfectly coifed. sequined top. she has the features of a native american, but irish coloring. interesting combination, but i don't imagine it's too uncommon.

i was antsy to leave the recital once it was over because marissa just got into town. mom closed it with a darling rendition of 'what a wonderful world'. finally got home, and mom met eddie and i there. we lit candles again. said the blessings again. had a group hug again. then, we all sat around. i worked something new out on the piano. marissa finally came and we loved on each other. i gave her the gift i bought her today. and she cried. like she does. she's honestly the best person in my life. however, there are some close seconds and thirds. we talked a bit and got ready to grab a drink at the doublewide to meet fred.........

...................................................i had a rough night.

i'm not a real doctor but i am a real worm, i am an actual worm.

and i like to play the drums. ok. so this morning, we had a dance party at work. albeit brief, but very invigorating. trio; dadada. perfect morning music. and also topless party by some italian dudes. spent most of the day updating the locations website. holler tech nerd. not to mention, last night i spent an "i'm blushing" embarrassing amount of time watching harry potter cast interviews. neeeeeeeeeerd. god. so yeah.

lunchtime finally rolled around and christine picked up our pizza. PIZZA DAY AT WORK. it was really yummy pizza too. mar-GHER-ita (according to our resident italian) and veggie rampage. amazing. then we got into the discussion about my car, and what had happened and why i'm bummed. and during this 10 minute period i'd decided to buy a van and start a courier business with my brother. no real idea where any of this came from. and my lovely co-workers (who are both older and wiser) proceeded to explain to me that i should not at all worry about money and should travel as much as possible in the next few years before my body starts to prioritize differently, in the vein of "settling down" behavior. the most striking part of this whole interaction was christine, who is our accountant, but most notably, is a very calm and comforting presence in our office. and also a yoga instructor. gisela (resident italian, big and boisterous and hilarious personality) joked that when i turn 30, i'll have matured and my life experience will have educated me to do the things that i may worry about not being able to do now, responsibility/relationship wise, but that my boobs will suddenly be at my knees. christine acknowledged the humor, but went on to tell me that my mind will mature, yes. but that, contrary to popular belief, the body does not break down with age, but grows more beautiful. it can be seasoned with time and consciousness. all of their reassurance was incredibly endearing and i appreciated it greatly.

my brother picked me up after work and we headed to the new dallas contemporary building to meet dad and joan. james gilbert, the artist that will be presenting the inaugural exhibition, gave a short walk through of the installation's progress, process, and conception. it was pretty cool to see after helping him a tiny bit. he's an interesting guy and i'm really excited for the opening.

eddie and i came home and lit candles before he jetted off to meet a friend for dinner. then mom came over and WE lit candles. it was cute. we went to mcdonalds. i saw a guy there that i usually see walking around the streets near my neighborhood. i didn't necessarily assume he was homeless before, based on his appearance alone. but he was pacing around the restaurant (if we can call it that), for about 5-10 minutes, before parking at a nearby table. i thought maybe he was spending as much time in the warmth as he could before heading back out in the cold night. i turned to him and asked if he wanted something to eat. he said, no thank you, that he'd already had his meal. i then felt like an asshole, because i'd judged this person to be homeless. it still could've been true. but that didn't make my assumption any less potentially offensive. i decided to apologize. but he went into the bathroom and didn't come back out before we left.

mom, lovingly, is letting me use her van tomorrow for work, so i dropped her off, not before we had some typical mother/daughter button pushing. but laughing about it too. i guess that's just how we are right now. i'm tired now. karaoke?

hi

it's been a while. i was busy. it's no excuse. but here's hugging.

today's a good a day as any to reacquaint myself with you. and you. and you and you.

of note: yesterday, i found myself embroiled in a quasi-racial conflict based on complete and total miscommunication due to the fact that the internet is the dumbest way to express anything. all via facebook. dumb.

the day before i stripped and hammered away at some attempts at writing and recording. like a blind person trying to drive a car. i bump into a lot of things. naked. i'm not quite sure what possessed me to do this in the nude. there was a tutu also. something about being completely exposed. whatever.

the day before that, i watched the documentary centered around the making of bjork's all vocal record, medulla. completely brilliant. completely awe-inspiring and regular-inspiring. drove me to want to make music the following day. she's a goddamn genius. so thank yous for that.

today, my car blew up. i'm upset about that for many reasons. it's like losing a friend. it's my fault for procrastinating to put oil in her. i stood outside in the blistering wind on the exit ramp to lovers lane for nearly an hour because i have a totally irrational fear of cars exploding with me in them (well today i did anyway). the AAA tow truck finally came and i was treated to the presence of a lovely young man, fresh from mississippi. his little girl is his world and he learned from his father not being there during his life how to be a father. he was lucky, he told me. my precious brother allowed me use of his car so that i could work today.

and last night was the fourth night of hanukkah. eddie and i indulged in some treats and decided to light candles. i played him the song i finished the night before. he asked me what it was about and i told him. and as i was telling him, i realized many more things. as the candles burned, we both stood there watching them. slowly slowly. silently. and i started thinking about how much hanukkah makes me think of our family before it finally fell apart. it was a ritual we all participated in no matter how fucked up everything else was. i said it out loud. he was thinking the exact same thing. we continued to stand there and watch the perfectly coordinated wax melt down. we must have stood there for 30 minutes in almost total silence. and then he said, "it still hurts a little." which was exactly what i was thinking. and then we started regaling the room and each other with memories from our childhood. good and bad and everything else. and it felt good to remember, but simultaneously a dull throbbing traversed through my gut. it still hurts to talk about. and the only person that understands is him. and now i know why i haven't felt it this much in so long. we've been missing each other spatially and temporally since the break-up. i mean, basically. mom and dad told us right after i graduated and we took our final fateful vacation to the northeast. i didn't have to think or talk about 'before' with anyone because there was no one that really KNEW. but he did. and he does. and i'm grateful for the fact that there is actually someone that knows what it was like inside and can remind me of those times, no matter how hard it is to take a look. and how i can't imagine the magnified horribleness of having to go through the disintegration of your family alone.

on a 'brighter' wavelength, today at work i hung a lightbulb above my desk so i can feel like i'm in a continuous states of 'idea-ness'. so that was a good thing. and it is a good thing. and it fits. today anyway.