Monday, December 28, 2009

how many lips does it take to kill a man

today was a pretty dynamic day i suppose, after a rather erratic evening. last night, i got lost to mansfield, to a party thrown by a couple of fun TCU folks that we all realized i don't actually know very well. i drank champagne from the bottle and had my face painted like a tiger. all in all, a successful endeavor. there was a phoenix dance party? i left mansfield for the goat, intending to see some friends in town from everywhere. ran into many people i didn't expect to see. mostly pleasant surprises. there was a strange tension there. a couple of really random, dumb, macho-bullshit fights that occurred. lots of overzealous, loud drunks at the karaoke mic. but it was fun nonetheless. i was pretty toasty myself when i was finally called up to sing, so i think i performed a pretty rousing rendition of 9-5. woulda done dolly proud.

woke up this morning confused whether or not i was supposed to work, considering the agency is closed until jan. 4. but i had gotten an email from the owner, asking for some locations help. so i handled all of that mess, then got up to my dad's office to handle the "car situation". the "car situation" being that i found one on craigslist that i'm interested in the current owner/seller of which was expecting us to check it out/test drive it today. i also had to deal with finances, etc. long story short, i learned about loans today, i.e. i applied for one, with the gracious help of my father. in other words, i'm on my way to halfway purchasing my first car. so that's kind of exciting.

as much as i am determined to need as little financial help as possible from my dad, today it was really sweet how helpful he was in assisting my search for a decent, fairly priced car, even though it's my own stupid fault that i require such a thing. with not one hint of resentment or blame in his voice, he called around asking for reliable price quotes, sounding as close to proud as one could be in a conversation with a used car dealer.

i started my field recordings today. i'm not quite sure what i'll do with them or by what method i'll be able to present them. but i like the idea of collecting sounds or snippets of conversations that tell a story or create an image.

i also decided that i'm going to go for my master's degree after completing this semester at UTD, converting the credits into an MFA program here or elsewhere. i can do that. i should do that. i want to do that. i also want to finish culling through and editing the thousands of photos i took in israel, for the gazillionth fucking time.

got home after dad and i went to the bank to apply for the loan, which i'll hear back about tomorrow. hung out for a while before becca came by with her violin and viola and enthusiasm. we sat down and hammered out some beginnings for 4 songs. one was just an improv that we finished, the rest we'll continue to work on by sending the garageband files back and forth and building on them. pretty excited about that and tonight and what we got accomplished, which is really a lot of fun and the foundations for some neat song ideas. i fucking love playing with her. we have the same appreciation for spontaneity in songwriting and recording, so it was a blast.

i'm reading siddhartha, and it causes me to wonder which path i'm taking in my own life in relation to hesse's main character in his many incarnations as a human. curious...

Friday, December 25, 2009

krissmiss kandy klause

things that have been done in the past 24-ish hours, by me:

watched mrs. doubtfire
watched nightmare before christmas
looked at snow
woke up
watched the rest of nightmare before christmas
walked to cvs in snow
walked to taj mahal, ate
drank a beer and talked to the owner about nose rings
walked home
read siddhartha
did laundry
took a shower.
organized a bit.
practiced a song.
had an idea about recordings.
cut a sheet and made a shirt
put on shirt
listened to this song:

it has been a lonely, quiet day. an introspective day. a hopeful one. a bit of a scary one. but nice.
heard from some good friends. the fact that it's christmas doesn't really affect me at all, save for the fact that most businesses are closed and most people are with their respective families. so i'm quiet. and i sit. and i do whatever i decide to do. it was really lovely to get out of the house. in the melting snow. my nose was a bit numb from the wind, but all in all it wasn't dreadfully cold. i don't feel any tension in my body besides abdominal cramps, and those are involuntary. the rest of my muscles are relaxed. i've quit smoking. it's been surprisingly simple. not easy. i would love a cigarette. but i won't. because i have a reason not to. there are good things happening. my intention is to focus on my photos. and recording. and more good things.

Friday, December 18, 2009

the isn't the last song.

dancer in the dark is the saddest movie i have ever seen.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

don't you want me baby, balls...

worked all day. ran many errands. picked up promo materials from paper arts. wonderful place. lovely owner. pigtails. told me about dragonfire yoga. totally thinking about it. there's a sanskrit blessing themed class that she teaches. also found out about the creative arts center of dallas, which hosts classes for lots of really cool things like emulsion transfer photography workshops. totally going to look into that. found out that our mailman is named emelin. upon asking where his name originated, he told me he was muslim and grew up in this tiny town in texas. and he doesn't like cigarette smoke. good dude. yesterday i saw a man pushing a stroller with a bugs bunny doll inside. he triumphantly showed me the brand new, unopened pack of marlboro lights he'd found in a plastic bag near a dumpster. flashed all two of his smiley teeth. another good dude.

after work, i went home and ended up lighting hanukkah candles with dad and bro before dad's basketball game at the JCC. mom had a vocal recital tonight at her teacher's home, so eddie and i went. it was really cute. she was late, as usual. we beat her there. as usual. but she sang beautifully. she messed up the lyrics a bit, but she was the only one that noticed. when she sings i'm so proud of her. because she's very good. and she knows. it's the one place where she knows where she's going. shesheshe. mom. i shot a bit of video. her friend bess told me a story of her former husband, who was syrian. he made her walk behind him while she was pregnant, apparently a tradition of the syrians? no idea. she has a wonderful, meandering alto voice. striking silver hair, perfectly coifed. sequined top. she has the features of a native american, but irish coloring. interesting combination, but i don't imagine it's too uncommon.

i was antsy to leave the recital once it was over because marissa just got into town. mom closed it with a darling rendition of 'what a wonderful world'. finally got home, and mom met eddie and i there. we lit candles again. said the blessings again. had a group hug again. then, we all sat around. i worked something new out on the piano. marissa finally came and we loved on each other. i gave her the gift i bought her today. and she cried. like she does. she's honestly the best person in my life. however, there are some close seconds and thirds. we talked a bit and got ready to grab a drink at the doublewide to meet fred.........

...................................................i had a rough night.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i'm not a real doctor but i am a real worm, i am an actual worm.

and i like to play the drums. ok. so this morning, we had a dance party at work. albeit brief, but very invigorating. trio; dadada. perfect morning music. and also topless party by some italian dudes. spent most of the day updating the locations website. holler tech nerd. not to mention, last night i spent an "i'm blushing" embarrassing amount of time watching harry potter cast interviews. neeeeeeeeeerd. god. so yeah.

lunchtime finally rolled around and christine picked up our pizza. PIZZA DAY AT WORK. it was really yummy pizza too. mar-GHER-ita (according to our resident italian) and veggie rampage. amazing. then we got into the discussion about my car, and what had happened and why i'm bummed. and during this 10 minute period i'd decided to buy a van and start a courier business with my brother. no real idea where any of this came from. and my lovely co-workers (who are both older and wiser) proceeded to explain to me that i should not at all worry about money and should travel as much as possible in the next few years before my body starts to prioritize differently, in the vein of "settling down" behavior. the most striking part of this whole interaction was christine, who is our accountant, but most notably, is a very calm and comforting presence in our office. and also a yoga instructor. gisela (resident italian, big and boisterous and hilarious personality) joked that when i turn 30, i'll have matured and my life experience will have educated me to do the things that i may worry about not being able to do now, responsibility/relationship wise, but that my boobs will suddenly be at my knees. christine acknowledged the humor, but went on to tell me that my mind will mature, yes. but that, contrary to popular belief, the body does not break down with age, but grows more beautiful. it can be seasoned with time and consciousness. all of their reassurance was incredibly endearing and i appreciated it greatly.

my brother picked me up after work and we headed to the new dallas contemporary building to meet dad and joan. james gilbert, the artist that will be presenting the inaugural exhibition, gave a short walk through of the installation's progress, process, and conception. it was pretty cool to see after helping him a tiny bit. he's an interesting guy and i'm really excited for the opening.

eddie and i came home and lit candles before he jetted off to meet a friend for dinner. then mom came over and WE lit candles. it was cute. we went to mcdonalds. i saw a guy there that i usually see walking around the streets near my neighborhood. i didn't necessarily assume he was homeless before, based on his appearance alone. but he was pacing around the restaurant (if we can call it that), for about 5-10 minutes, before parking at a nearby table. i thought maybe he was spending as much time in the warmth as he could before heading back out in the cold night. i turned to him and asked if he wanted something to eat. he said, no thank you, that he'd already had his meal. i then felt like an asshole, because i'd judged this person to be homeless. it still could've been true. but that didn't make my assumption any less potentially offensive. i decided to apologize. but he went into the bathroom and didn't come back out before we left.

mom, lovingly, is letting me use her van tomorrow for work, so i dropped her off, not before we had some typical mother/daughter button pushing. but laughing about it too. i guess that's just how we are right now. i'm tired now. karaoke?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


it's been a while. i was busy. it's no excuse. but here's hugging.

today's a good a day as any to reacquaint myself with you. and you. and you and you.

of note: yesterday, i found myself embroiled in a quasi-racial conflict based on complete and total miscommunication due to the fact that the internet is the dumbest way to express anything. all via facebook. dumb.

the day before i stripped and hammered away at some attempts at writing and recording. like a blind person trying to drive a car. i bump into a lot of things. naked. i'm not quite sure what possessed me to do this in the nude. there was a tutu also. something about being completely exposed. whatever.

the day before that, i watched the documentary centered around the making of bjork's all vocal record, medulla. completely brilliant. completely awe-inspiring and regular-inspiring. drove me to want to make music the following day. she's a goddamn genius. so thank yous for that.

today, my car blew up. i'm upset about that for many reasons. it's like losing a friend. it's my fault for procrastinating to put oil in her. i stood outside in the blistering wind on the exit ramp to lovers lane for nearly an hour because i have a totally irrational fear of cars exploding with me in them (well today i did anyway). the AAA tow truck finally came and i was treated to the presence of a lovely young man, fresh from mississippi. his little girl is his world and he learned from his father not being there during his life how to be a father. he was lucky, he told me. my precious brother allowed me use of his car so that i could work today.

and last night was the fourth night of hanukkah. eddie and i indulged in some treats and decided to light candles. i played him the song i finished the night before. he asked me what it was about and i told him. and as i was telling him, i realized many more things. as the candles burned, we both stood there watching them. slowly slowly. silently. and i started thinking about how much hanukkah makes me think of our family before it finally fell apart. it was a ritual we all participated in no matter how fucked up everything else was. i said it out loud. he was thinking the exact same thing. we continued to stand there and watch the perfectly coordinated wax melt down. we must have stood there for 30 minutes in almost total silence. and then he said, "it still hurts a little." which was exactly what i was thinking. and then we started regaling the room and each other with memories from our childhood. good and bad and everything else. and it felt good to remember, but simultaneously a dull throbbing traversed through my gut. it still hurts to talk about. and the only person that understands is him. and now i know why i haven't felt it this much in so long. we've been missing each other spatially and temporally since the break-up. i mean, basically. mom and dad told us right after i graduated and we took our final fateful vacation to the northeast. i didn't have to think or talk about 'before' with anyone because there was no one that really KNEW. but he did. and he does. and i'm grateful for the fact that there is actually someone that knows what it was like inside and can remind me of those times, no matter how hard it is to take a look. and how i can't imagine the magnified horribleness of having to go through the disintegration of your family alone.

on a 'brighter' wavelength, today at work i hung a lightbulb above my desk so i can feel like i'm in a continuous states of 'idea-ness'. so that was a good thing. and it is a good thing. and it fits. today anyway.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

culam omrim

updates soon to come. i'm an asshole i xnow.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

ze ani

well the last couple of weeks have been pretty cool. our good friend andy came to visit and resided on our couch in our teeny apartment. despite the crummy rainy weather, we had a really fun time laughing, playing pini, watching great movies and listening to great music courtesy of andy. i have a wonderful list of new stuff to check out. it was really sweet to have him here. i learned a lot and did a lot of thinking. i listened to a lecture from robert solomon and i remembered what it was like to be in school and excited about learning and how it affected the way i filtered my world and the decisions that i made. i was thinking for myself in the only way i knew how. the new, unadulterated way (well, at least i thought so). so i'm still thinking.

on a less enthusiastic note, alice and i got an email from chris, the guy that runs the safari in africa at which we were going to intern. he graciously thanked us for applying and wished us well, however, there are no spots available partially due to the economic situation. we both took a bit to process this news, as somber as it may be. last night we talked a little about it, and decided tentatively that we are both ready to go home after our rent runs out to regroup. it was a devastating blow as i was really excited to go to africa. but i'm ready to go home and see my family and friends. i'll have been gone for a whole year, which will be way longer than i could've foreseen when i left. so i'll spend a month or so at home catching up and getting ready to move to LA. i figure i can take some classes there and take sweet photos and get some sort of photo or production assistant job when or before i get there. any ideas? i've also spoken to some very good and very inspiring friends of mine that reminded me what i'm doing and why. thanks guys.

so, in other news, today was a great day. an early one, considering i stayed up until 4:30 this morning watching scrubs. fuck my sleep schedules are retarded. anywho, woke up and made myself some coffee and eggs before departing to the central bus station/government building to handle my VISA stuff. i got kind of nervous because i realized once i was already there that i forgot my passport at home. oops. luckily, the agent that i spoke with remembered me and the only punishment i received for not remembering my passport was a mild scolding for not carrying it with me daily in case something happens to me in the street. even MORE fortunately, the police check that we had sent in 2 months ago had returned, so all the documents that i prepared to have sent to the jewish agency will be back (with my VISA) by the end of the week!! helloooooooooo moneybags. not really. but at least i'll be able to work. thanks FUCK. i'm broke. sorry mom and dad.

after i left the VISA office, in great spirits, i decided to embrace myself as a photographer once and for fucking all and lead myself on a little walking photo tour of ramla. i was determined goddamnit, to take some interesting photos of all the interesting people here. so i asked damn near everyone i passed. i even turned around a couple of times. beck put me in a great mood. most of the people even said yes. i don't know why i was so scared. the first couple of people i asked said no, and a few people after that. but it's ok. i feel like i'm jumping off a building every time. but its ok. i got some pretty cool shots too. a little boy. an older gentleman. a beggar couple. i almost got this really sweet old woman, but just ended up talking to her on this bench for a while in my terrible hebrew. felt pretty proud of myself. thanks andrew and dylan.

anyway, got home and watched darjeeling limited and a bunch of scrubs episodes with alice, and drank some wine. i'm a little sleepy now and don't have much to do for the rest of the day save for assembling my purim costume! it's going to be GREAT. i have a hilarious outfit, complete with ridiculous accessories. photos to ensue. i'm taking a nap. plus, i need to get moving on this online promotion deal. long story.

also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!!! i'm sorry i couldn't be there, but i know you're having a wonderful, relaxing time. you're my buddy.



Thursday, February 19, 2009

bitch i'm broke

and it's true. lots of important things have been happening lately, but i'm writing about them in my journal. but the most important thing that has transpired lately is that ANDY came to visit. picked him up at the airport yesterday and it was crazy. we took the train and walked back to the apartment. other than the fact that it has been an entirely inane riot since he landed, my favorite art about hanging out with andy is that he exposes me to amazing new music, movies, and ideas. best things of the day/night that followed: tv carnage, cody chesnutt, scott walker, 30 century, no soy sauce until later, rice noodle marathons, japanese louis armstrong, other amazing things that i need to list. anyway, today we walked to nave yonatan and had a photo walkabout with a few of my girls. we picked up alice afterwards at kadima and came home to make dinner. had a blast just hanging out listening to music and video chatted with leah (from our BR trip). she told us the story of the only time she slept with a guy. she's gay. and the funniest person i've ever met. now we're about to go out. imanuel has made a friend in andy. they're funny. more later.



Saturday, February 14, 2009

summertime and the livin is easy

woke up and met arly in enough time to walk to the visa place in the mall
waited, spoke to the woman
girl bugs me
i was grumpy all morning
walked home, but caught the thrift store
got SWEET pajamas, dresses, t-shirts for CHEAP
walked home and chilled out before sharet
met al there
nati yelled my name
the kids missed us
i played terrible soccer and realized that i'm not there to play well
i'm there for the kids
well i got bored anyway after suckng for almost 2 hours
al left for kadima and i left to go home
got home and started to read, but passed out
planned to meet al at kadima
woke up and talked with imanuel for a while about his psychological issues
i made al grilled cheese then showered
we headed out before imanuel woke up
for the record, al didnt want to go out last night
i talked her into it
after being dumped by gay guy out of nowhere ("i just need to be alone right now"), i wanted to see where the night took us
we got to the sub kuch (duh) and proceeded to drink one chaser, meet maytal, say bye to maytal, talk to sebastien awkwardly, want to leave, maytal left, feel trapped and just like a wanted to leave, tomer offered us a ride, escaped and we all went outside to smoke, talked about dirty things, moveed to the hot seat with sagi and etan. etan made me feel sexy with my belly
meet tomer's hot friend
came back inside, made myself throw up, al was nice, went to lie down
etan brought me water and medicine and told me that we're the sub kuch's favorite customers and they love us, really sweet
guy buys us chaser that we HAVE to take, i puke in urinal, pull it out
see nufar, we get ready to go home
tomer drives, i almost puke, but luckily don't
we get back (make fun of my pajamas) and have one cigarette before tucking him in on the couch
wake up this morning to wave to tomer, and 2 funny notes
spend the morning chilling out and watching scrubs before getting ready for shabbat dinner
alice makes mashed potatoes with chese
eat dinner with naama, and fam
really sweet little girl
good food
get home and hang out before watching the end of spinal tap
al says that i'm mean, but i want everyone to think i'm nice
only joking but thats true
imanuel passes out and we take care of his laundry
try to load scrubs and talk to dad on skype. i miss him
gamm'ys been having some neurological issues
so i call gammy and get to talk to her on vid chat
i havent gotten to see her since i've been here. but she wants her earrings
she says she hopes she'll be around
i say she has to be. she says the first thing we'll do is makes baked alaska
i tell her i love her
she says 'i love you baby'
i get really sad
al comforts me
we watch scrubs for 4 hours
i'm going to bed now.

things i need to do:
print letter and get visa
get earrings for gammy to mail
write marissa, ernie letters
get external hard drive
do situps
write music
edit photos
photos for blog
write naama letter

Friday, February 6, 2009

she's got blood in her eyes for you

get picked up by orna, get to lepid
all the fixins for sushi
take pictures of the whole process
made 3 rolls and ate them
made more for imanuel
watched videos and talked with the kids
looked through bar mitzvah photos and video
i'm fat and i need to change it
leave and go home to get ready for our anniversary
give things to buffy and imanuel
get showered and prettied, flash parker
take a sheruit, listen tomusic with a coupla beers
go to sub kuch
i lose my phone
hang out with each other taking it easy with a glass of glen livet
call shawn and andy
ilil says i have to meet her friend the fireman
we talk, i'm not interested, but i do want to meet another guy
i start talking to yoav
we talk about psychology, nietzsche, life, leonard cohen
i like him
tell him about open stage, says he'll be there
i talk to him for a while
we get a ride from fireman, plan rockclimbing
go home get in bed, talk to liz and parks on vid
they make plans to come, we're sad
great sleep

sub kuch
2 guys
he brought his friend, shes cool
one good convo
played alright
say bye to amir
treats on roof
sweet kiss
full moon
two oras
more kiss
i'll call you tomorrow
i get scared walking back
no more sheruits
cab it

woke up to breakfast by alice
went to volcani
hung out with rachael
cut broccoli and cauliflower for selling
walekd to food clearing
made pita, ate hummus and organic salad
i made pita on a wok
we got ready to go
sat with rachael
erez told me that i make her day when i go there
i promised her all the photos
we get back home and take a quick nap reading nietzche and sedaris
wake up, i'm groggy, and hang out with imanuel at pini's, he's not there
talk to funny old guy and girl from texas
stop by kadima and see kids and sivan
walk to synagogue and say hi to pini, he says we'll all be there eventually
got back home, read more nietzsche, eamiled blake, and showered to get ready to go out
took a sherit to tel aviv and then walked to diesengoff to meet elad and debs
cute coffee shop
walked to meet elad's friend, talked to debs. really sweet girl
found sweet shoes
went to the beach and treats, met liora
talked about radiohead
really cold and windy
walked more to get burekas and eat
ate more
walked to park, talked to yoav and hung out on the playground inside the slide
treats more
walked to the sub kuch
treats on the roof with sagi
guy talks about being afraid of gay guys and hiding
kinda sketch guy
i tell him not to be afraid and tell them what he wants
get downstairs to yoav
talking to him about gay guy, really slowly, and intense
like a short story
just listened so intently
we're stoned
he asks me what i think
if i feel the same way aobut girls
i've been with girls, so it doesnt threaten me
talk about generalizations about whether its more accepted to be gay or a lesbian
he invites us over
we walk
treats another with roommate, invites us to stay all day or yoav will drive us at 5:30
we hang out, he makes alli food and chocolate
roommate comes back and hand in puke in bed
everyone cleans up and we laugh about it
yoav comes to bed and we make out and kiss slowly
get a little intense and both have fun
too late to sleep, so we get up and drive to ramla in the rain
he was kinda scared
dropped off, have a kiss
i like him
go upstairs, imanuel scared us,
alice makes granola
we hang out with imanuel and talk and laugh and alice is a mad scientist in the kitchen
try to watch zoolander, fall asleep
wake up and eat something
hang out and try to guide elad
hear my name
its naama's mom
its pouring rain
i run over to naamas to get falafel
see her mom and bro
get back home and hang out until imanuel gets home
we hang out and watch youtube vids
kids choir and young at heart make we teary' i miss gammy
he does, we eat
watch scrubs
eat granola, then malawa with chocolate
we're stupid
watch 40 year old virgin
wish i could go to sxsw. i miss my the blog friends.
andy's coming and parker might come!
tomorrow taking photos of kibbutz

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

modern art makes me want to rock out

woke up late yesterday
got all ready for work
read a nietzsche quote from ms. sofia that made me realize that home probably isn't that great anyway and i'll realize it soon
its amazing how philosophy just calms me down. its simplicity owns me.
i should appreciate what i am living and love every minute
so thats what i'm going to do
got to work
lots of bitch meetings
zvi is a douche
talked about not working in the office anymore
phone calls all night
got PAID
talked to TRISH at the bus stop. i fucking love her
great bus ride home
i think people listen to us talk and are terrified
walked to the sub kuch
dead, decapitated rat in the street
perfect addition to my disgusting/uncomfortable 'i like ugly things' series that i thought up
treat myself to a jameson on the rocks
sang and talked with eitan and eliel and sagi
arm wrestling
i lose
my arms are sore
both of them
called gammy, maayan dragged me to her apt
we hang out and talk
in bed
gisela tells me to write something with photos for the IA blog i'll do tomorrow
i go back to the sub kuch and we hang out a little more before catching a cab home
alice has a new boyfriend
we walk the rest of the way home
get into bed and talk about butt sex
go to sleep

were going to wake up early for the flea marker, but didn't
got ready for work again
i call the photo studio, doesnt need anyone, but i should call around
dylan sends me a link to sam cooke 'what a wonderful world' and makes me smile and dance
anthony gambino sends me a message and will always be associated with otis redding in my mind
took a cool photo on the sheruit
took the train and read one of my favorite tc boyle stories with al
got to work, was better today
really silly
making people laugh by humping the air
i feel great
we eat weird pizza
i talk to dad about faxed materials
al gets sick and has to run to the bathroom
we leave work and she pukes on the way
we get on the bus and listen to music
i realize that i feel really free and that i can be funny and stupid and i dont care
because i'll never see most of these people again
i really enjoyed the feeling of making someone uncomfortable
that makes me happy
we happen to run into one of the new ISC kids, mark
he's really funy
we gossip about the new group and talk about new thigns
really funny
we drop off at the house, and its a little weird
i like the kid
walk back to the apartment
miss imanuel
have been reading things
getting ready for bed
tomorrow, we don't work but have VISA things to take care of
i'm supposed to take photos at a kibbutz for one of the programs, so thats cool
and show the new group the tv station, cool guy will be there
fuck my sleeping patterns are terrible



Monday, February 2, 2009

hand job, hand job. i know that shit's fun but it's still your job

woke up late
alice made scramble
we had nice breakfast
and talked
we are a goddamned married couple
walked to library
waited around fo a while
felt weird to be alumni
met the peeps (elad)
talked to fifi
sat in room
momo spoke
we spoke
be excited, dont let little things bother
sat around after
elad and i walked back home to meet alli
played music
made eggs (getting pretty good at that)
timothy leary story
played more music
made choco milk
talked more
drank scotch
walked to sheruit
fight with chabad in sheruit with elad about women completing men
weird cowboy
got to sub kuch
ate malai kofta
saw daniel and nufar
photos with glasses, one guy not happy
etan dancing like a silly
went upstairs with hadorbaim playing and saw sagi
see heidi
smiling at dude from bar (afro man)
go outside with heidi
go upstairs and talk to peeps we met (friends with heidi's friends)
playing pool, idan, erez, ofir
blocked from smoking
ofir asks me on a date
they know ELLIE!
more music
even more music
erez sings in french
they all leave
we take cab home
vid chat w leah
text w dad


wake up late-ish to a knock on the door after imanuel leaves
its his brother, sister-in-law, and their adorable baby, yotam
imanuel comes back
we all hang out and i play the melodica for the first time in years
play guitar and learn songs, treats
they leave and alice and i get packed up to head to natanya for the weekend
catch sheruit to tel aviv, then another to natanya
call gingie when we get to the train station
call ellie, doesn't sound too enthused but interested
tells me that ofir (guy that asked me on date) has a GF
no date with ofir
we get picked up by lior and roni
go to shoshana and hang out playing music
watch strokes DVD
i want to play drums like fabrizio moretti like WHOA
chill with friends and attempt some california sunshine
take photos with the most ridiculous glasses ever made
nothing happens and i pass out after talking for hours
wake up at some point and hop into bed since everyone mysteriously dissappeared
(later i found out that they made a bonfire at the beach. i'm bummed i slept through but i was tired damnit)

p.s. 'gaza' really means 'medical cello-tape'


i get woken up by alice, who passed out somewhere else
we walk to the cliff and have a long chat punctuated by a big hug
things to think about
we go back to the shoshana and hang out for a while with some new friends on the porch
keep hanging out and playing music with eran
go downstairs to idan's, where i get a lesson in making pita
we mix and mold and put the dough on top of a huge dome-shaped oven
i also start to play the accordian
actually write some cool, droney bits that i want to record
those shits aer heavy
at pita with goat cheese wrapped inside. just stupidly good
i leave alice and barry and walk to hadar's house b/c no one is upstairs
hang out watching TV and hear spoon on a commercial
mostly israeli comedy shows which are pretty funny considering i can't understand
hang out at hadars for a while with eran, dana, hadar
start reading tc boyle's 'the human fly'. its REALLY good
go check on alice, but can't find her so i go back to hadars and stay there all night
chat with miss sarah jaffe who is amazing
watch a little bobby mcferrin with hadar
he's just fucking breathtaking
she goes to bed but i can't sleep, get really sad, call ernie, eddie, dad, and write sad blog
think about being in a relationship and being my own person
so i finish my book
andy introduces me to christian bok's poetry, really great also
i finally go to sleep after sunrise


wake up the next day, realizing that we need to be in ramla to help yahel
i go to erans and find alice
we say goodbye to everyone, hadar and dana, and catch a sheruit home
have about 1 hour to get ready before being called into work
take the train into work, alice reads aloud from 'the human fly'
we call people, talk to no one basically
talk to dad. my photo sold at the auction for 300. john pomara and other people said nice things.
get off work and take the bus to the sub kuch for open stage
we don't get there until late, so i don't play
but we do hang out and talk to tomer about 'medical cello-tape' and how it's not such a heavy thing to israelis, but part of daily life
talk to sagi about meditation. breathing. being in the moment.
i decide i don't care about what guys think and just have fun
weird creepy guy asks me outside. i go. then i come back inside to pee.
we hang out and i'm approached by amir, who knows me from the open stage
amir has lost his voice but we talk for a while anyway, going on a three-trip walk
back and number exchange
we decide to accompany one new friend and one old friend back to old friend's rooftop apartment, complete with drumset in petakh tikvah
get to know leonard cohen on the drive there
spend most time reading tarot cards in hebrew and getting a lesson on some important words
after playing guitar a little, and some tea, breaking a glass we all miraculously fit on one teeny bed
nice then sleep after sunrise
wake up kinda late and make coffee to drink in the beautiful afternoon view on the roof
i stare out across the city
ariel asks me to play guitar, so i do
figure out a leonard cohen song, play elliott and asaf
play DRUMS finally
i'm terrible but i really want to learn to play better, in a band
finally get our shit together and new friend gives us a ride to the train station
we meet a nice woman, catch the train and get to work only a little bit late
annoyed at zvi
want to talk to momo
call people
i do a bunch of interviews, but we need to get out of here
get pizza for dinner
i don't feel good
we get a ride from orie to the bus
take the bus, take a nap
get bad pizza at the bus station
meet sheruit driver that knows jodi and roll him a cigarette
take a sheruit home
walk home from park
watch stupid video from justin
sofia makes me feel better with nietszche
vid chat with josh at stupid hours
chat with people at stupid hours
it's 6AM. i need to go to bed. talking with imanuel.
for you parks...



Wednesday, January 28, 2009

all the men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them

the last couple of days have been pretty boring. nothing much new. just makin' that dolla. today was great.

woke up super early, took a shower, made yummy broccoli and yellow pepper scramble. then to walk to the visa office for the fax number, then booked it to the flea market (wednesday shook in ramla---huge). bought way too many cool things. clothes mostly, but i got a SWEET fringe backpack. got back home in enough time to chill out and take a nap before taking the train to work. i really like doing that. the train is lovely. but the commute to and from kfar saba is a super bitch. AXCEL FORMONICA. today was SARAH ELIZABETH STEINFINK'S birthday today. officially, always, 1 week and 1 day younger than me. i need to call her again. i miss that girl. practically my sister. we did everything together. at work, called a bunch of people. called mom and dad to get jewish documents. ate pizza. got sleepy. drank tea. talked to andy about him possibly coming to visit!!! chatted with dylan about my song for the moment. he's a dream. took the long way home and finally arrived. walked by the house. new roommates are JAPpy. they couldn't find my cameras. that bugs me. got home and imanuel made chocolate milk with ice cream. he's the best ever. chatted with dylan and he shared some love with me. alice and i shared some love with others. i love m. ward, leonard cohen, and jim james. damnit, i do. i called my gammy and talked to her for a while, we promised to make baked alaska and israeli dishes when i return. then alice and i ate pomegranates and watched part of 'candy'. such a depressing film, but gutwrenchingly real. fucking terrible. this is horribly written and i apologize. i'm going to bed now. tomorrow is the opening session of ISC, so alice and i are invited. (basically we get to size up the new group.) i hope they're ready.

goodnight all.



Saturday, January 24, 2009

white rabbit sat on my hat

woke up yesterday and packed up
moved some stuff
came home
packed up more stuff
shlomi helped
imanue; scared us
came home
woke up early
finished packing
yaacov is lucky
finished the last of it by hand
went to bank
we're retards
get money
go to office
fruit/train/mexican restuarant
meet cool chick
har[ers bday!
talk to eddie and dad
talk to people al day
bus back
taxi back
cool david
good music
wake up kid
darjeeling back tickle
home sweet home

slept kinda weird
lots of wind
new place
stole covers
wake up
get dressed for lawyer
go see lawyer
names revealed
dental advice
went to insurance place
pretend to be pini's friend
leave and go to house
pull pads off the wall
clean the shit out of the kitchen
finish and sit outside, signing buffy's yearbook
yahel comes back and tells us about a place we can get things for free
we walk back to the apartment
go to the shuk with imanuel in a rush
on fridays at 1 things get crazy
we get so much fruit and vegetables
see michael and yusuf at the same time
go back for round two
drive back home and lug sooooooo many groceries up the stairs
finally done
clean the SHIT out of the kitchen
its really therapeutic
finish and go to shabbat dinner at naamas
they tell us we're famous from the article (douchewalla yaguar)
we eat amazing food
get tired and drink tea
clean more and have treats
watch japanese gameshows and human nature and get tired
get in bed
eat oranges
fall asleep
really long day

wake up this morning too late
finish cleaning room
really nice
watch more japanese videos
more treats
look at imanuels photos
he forgets about the tea in a funny way
cool stories about australia byron bay
have to go there
get done and walk to the house to get more things
pick up a few things and meet fifi
meet new group
cool kids
weird not being there
i'm going to get used to this
walk back
wait for orna
orna picks us up
we drive to lapid for birthday dinner
we hang out with the kids for a minute before dinner starts
eran's got hiccups, then have a breath holding contest
orna makes burekas, tomato soup, cheese breads, salad, mushroom crepes!, and eran tells me they have a surprise for dessert
i'm jealous of your dessert
brooklyn banks
they bring out a chocolate cake with lit candles and sing to me
we eat cake and the kids bring out a little present
i get up and hug them all
really cute and sweet
we finish dinner and go to yarden's room to play DDR
i'm terrible at DDR
we go to watch more youtube
drink tea and watch pregnant man with orna
look at her morocco photos while she goes to take the dogs for a walk
really interesting looking at those photos of older people traveling with no stories
it'd be different if we went there
interesting about perspective and truth
then orna came back and shows us photos and tells us stories
lots of photos
get sleepy and finish the photos
on the way home we talk to orna about gilat shelit and the other kidnapped soldiers
really fucking sad and confusing
come home and have some treats w imanuel
get ready for bed and watch death proof

woke up WAAAAAAAAY later than we should've
puttered around the apartment, making a little food (i use 'making' loosley as i ate bread and hummus and a cut up pepper)
took a nice shower and washed things
tidied up a bit more with some treats
got ready to go to work, but realized that we had to get money from the ATM
walked all the way to an ATM, then caught a sheruit to the train station
saw scary emo dude with ice blue contacts
talked on the train
got to kfar saba and walked to work
had a long day at the office, makin calls
wrote a letter to a friend
got "dissappointed in"
chatted with andy and EDDIE!!!


thats fucked up. go him!
anyway, talked to eddie
really sweet
talked to people interested in coming back to israel on long term program
ate pizza
convinced hot girl not to kill herself
after work, ofir drove us to the bus station
mom called so i could talk to eddie
talked to eddie again! he had birthday brunch with the fam
gave me some shocking and sad updates
i have to be ok
called dad to verify on the bus
scares me, but i have to think positively
alice was told the story of how shlomi got bitten by a dog, now in hospital
got to tel aviv and decided to go to the sub kuch for one beer
saw chico, daniel, robin, and sagi
went upstairs because tonight is open stage
checked in with tal, went back down and then back up
peeps played a cool improv bit with the whole gang
i'm up next
i played hilda's song, for her former name
then i called chico and we sang rocky raccoon sing a long style with no mics
just sat on the stage
it went great and i felt better
finished up a treats with sagi, chico on the roof
downstairs again for bubbles and beer
maayan fucking drunk from testing drinks at a bartender training
and outside once more with gabriel
came back to pay and say goodbye but i was ambushed by a smiley, happy, gingie orthodox rabbi
"ma atem rotzim lishtot, motek. aize hamuda!"
he gave me this huge, smiley hug and i was terrified
i was not expecting that at all, really crazy
we left and called david cool taxi guy for a 90 sheck cab
all of a sudden, waiting, the rabbi drives by in his minivan. i don't believe that.
he wasn't looking at the road, but i can talk mostly in hebrew with him the whole time
even though he terrified me
i had to remind him of the exit and he swerved
we had a whole convo once we stopped, finally walked home
check out new facebook friend
alice calls 'yours', "oh that's him"
i've never seen someone ruin their own game
i need to talk to gammy
going to sleep now



Tuesday, January 20, 2009

yom huledet sameach

man, for a day that started out shittily as you can get i am the happiest girl in the world. after i wrote last, we got ready to go out to meet imanuel and check out the apartment to see if it was do-able. right before we leave, alice checks her email and recieves one from chris mahoney saying that he'll do his best to get us a job at the safari camp in kenya!!! so that's GREAT news. then we walk to imanuel and naama's apartment (one building away from the apartment we're looking at moving into). we go there and after a brief tour of our potential new home, imanuel has a conversation with pini, the landlord. pini has no teeth. no english either, except for the words, "god", "love", and "thank you". and this place is a fucking steal too. 2 bedroom for 6500 sheckels (for the first 3 months rent), split in half (then alice and i are splitting half). so basically it's 250 dollars a month. not bad at all. so we leave and discuss with imanuel what we should do, because pini says that since we don't have a lot of money, he's open minded about the price. we go back to naama's and discuss everything. we decide to do it and imanuel calls pini to talk about details. we make the deal and all get really excited to take a hip hop class with naama. SO EXCITED!

imanuel dropped us off at the sheruit station and we bussed it to the sub kuch (of course).

not feeling well
try to drink beer
hang out with edai
talk with sagi
see gabriel from new york group
talk to eddie
hang outside and meet greg
go inside and eran shows up with my presents, tomer, hadar, roni, and dana (who gives me the sweetest card ever)
we all hang out and daniel gives us treats
we sit on the motorcycles
roni breaks glass
asks me to go upstairs
i say no
we take polaroids
ofir shows up
face painting/pictures
meet ben from england
more face painting
time to go
say bye to natanya peeps
motorcycle helmet dance party
wanna make out for real?
take a cab home
get back to so many brithday notes!!!!!
andrew's blog!!!!
i'm just so happy!!!
alli and i take photos of face paint.

everything is GREAT!!



lisa its your birthday, happy birthday lisa

i have a friend. his name is dylan. it's my birthday...

Dylan Hollingsworth wrote at 7:32am
its your birthday. if i could, i'd give you ...

...time. greek goddess fruit. flaws that are beautiful. love in all stages. inadequacy roadmaps. 100 year old photographs. your life's laughter recorded. madness that can be channeled. clarity when you cant see. skinned knees garnished with band-aids. a grandmother's milkshakes. a plaque of allegiance. permission to not be okay. songs about inner cosmos. a picture of me when i was 5. and i guess a little more time. to sort it all out. and i know you will.

you hang brightly, sallygal. thank you for being in my life.

also, here's an article about our program: :))

in other news, here's what's been going on in my life:

woke up at 11
hung out being lazy
talked to andrew in the morning
went to sharet to play soccer
met cute flippy kid
i'm worthless at soccer
came back
got ready for ceremony of girls dancing
left too early
stopped by to get burekas
sat outside and saw little girl from kadima
looked at photos
saw girls in bathroom
saw teacher from sharet
invited us to shabbat dinner
went inside for ceremony
girls are cute
naama shows up
we say hi and bye to dana
walk back to apartment with naama
meet imanuel
stop by naamas and wait for the man with the car
drink chinese tea
try again to see apartment
no go, but we leave to get gas
alli drops the flag out the window
we circle around and grab it
get back home to lots of peeps and invent pini
play pini for a few hours
new girls
coach stays
imanuel leaves
coach and i play around a little
party in our room
everyone leaves
watch crass doc
really inspiring (the only authority is yourself)_
i go to bed

wake up this morning
take sheruit to nave yonatan
see rachael
she gives me coolest present ever for my birthday
we spend the day building a greenhouse
talk to alli about what we'll do in LA
hammering things
took some photos
talked to rachael in hebrew
give her my email address
we talk about translating
get on the bus and say goodbye
get home and hang out before walking to the visa place
get there and walk around getting alli so many itchy remedies
get visa questions answered
walk to get booze for tomorrow
walk back to gadi's and get free birthday falafel
we part ways so alli can do birthday things
i get home and email photos
vid chat with dad
talking with trigg!!!
in korea
now showering for karaoke night!

well, i showered for karaoke night
it went like this
got ready
naama came over and we gave her flowers and a framed photo of the group
we all leave for the karaoke bar in a sheruit
reminds me of the first night we all went out
get to the bar in tel aviv and drink way too much
i sign up to sing creep and don't go chasin' waterfalls
naama sings 'hero' and dedicates it to us
we dance
i inspect the new guy's ipod
we escape at alice's insistence
i pee outside and we walk to another bar to meet nufar and her boys
lots of dancing, convincing, turning down
we leave and start to walk to another club with izy, but we all have to go home
we hop in a cab and i wake up in front of our house
i get to the front door and puke
get in bed and sleep
wake up this morning to an upset stomach and don't stop puking until about 2 hours ago
there's a knock at the door, buffy comes in, and alli makes me get it
its a gigantic bouquet of flowers with teo sweet cards from my mom and alice
i wake up to lots of sweet messages
mom calls
dad and joan skype call
i call amber!!!
chat with andrew!!!
david calls from germany!!!!!
i'm getting ready to shower and check out our potential apartment
they're trying to "kick us out" by 12PM tomorrow. but it's not going to happen
it's my birthday goddamnit.
then tonight, the SUB KUCH!!



Saturday, January 17, 2009

just because the sky turned from grey into blue

the best laid plans are bullshit. things that are the most right hurt the most also. for me anyway. because i'm abnormal. i'm embracing that. it's ok. the point is that i've made some decisions about what to do next. i stand by them, even thought they are difficult. here they are:

1) stay in israel for the next 6 months and work to save money to get to africa. i feel like whatever i'm doing here is valuable for me and other people. i like that feeling.

2) the ministry of agriculture that we volunteer with has offered alice and i jobs working in a lab cleaning seeds for the clean room for research. i like that idea. working with my hands. it's cleansing. all the way.

3) we found an apartment in ramla (the city that i've been living in for the past few months). it's 3-bedroom for 2000 sheckels (that's about 800 dollars). plus, it's fully furnished. not bad.

4) momo (owner of oranim educational initiatives) has offered us part time work at the office in kfar saba promoting the israel service corps (the program i've been on).

5) if we want, we've been offered jobs by the women we volunteered with working for the city of ramla to help with volunteer programing and tutoring english.

so things are looking pretty interesting at this point. i'm in a crazy place in my life. i'm lost and stuck in an in between place. i'm not safe emotionally. i'm safe physically. but not at home. i'm so fucking far away from home that i couldn't be more far away from home. but fuck it. if i was at home i would be pining for something else anyway. some adventure. and that's all i'm doing, really. this is the time. i have no responsibility at home. i miss the fuck out of my family and feeling comfortable and safe at home. i miss my friends. my real ones. and people that love and care about me no matter what. but i will tell you something. you really find out who your true friends are when you're away from home. if anything i've learned that. i'm no dummy. just a little slow. i guess i'm just slowly learning how to take down the walls that i put up that hold me back. and away from other people. that's the scariest fucking thing i've ever done. it's terrifying actually. it feels like i'm screaming inside to just let go. stop being scared. you can fucking do this. you can fucking do anything. just relax. breathe. stop. ok now go and don't stop until i die. so that's what i'm doing. if anything i learn from several people in particular: if i want a pizza, i gotta order it. i'm dialing the number. it's ringing. "hello?..."


UPDATE: alice just got a call from her mom including an ultimatum to be back in LA by august 1, 2009 for her sister's sweet 16. so that's interesting news. i don't know EXACTLY what it means yet, but it's something. it's funny, the fact that there's a bit of an expiration date on this particular adventure gives me a renewed energy for being here. a goal to work for. we talked about coming back, going to school for a year or so, then going to south america for the peace corps. why not, right? i figure if i can do this, i can do anything. i feel great. alice is upset because she likes existing in the unknown. nay, thrives in it. but i think it'll be ok. it even gives me more of an appreciation for my time here. YAY



Friday, January 16, 2009

her hair is soft and her breath is soft and her name is soft

i watched the neil young movie 'heart of gold' today. he started talking about his daughter, then played this song that he'd written about her. i thought about my dad. so dad, if you can hear me, watch this movie.

When your summer days come tumbling down
And you find yourself alone
Then you can come back and be with me
Just close your eyes and I'll be there
Listen to the
Of this old heart beating for you
Yes I'd miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you

When the winter comes to your new home
And snowflakes are falling down
Then you can come back and be with me
Just close your eyes and I'll be there
[ Find more Lyrics at ]
Listen to the sound
Of this old heart beating for you
Yes I'd miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you

In the spring, protective
arms surrounding you
In the fall, we let you go your way
Happiness I know will always find you
And when it does, I hope that it will stay

Yes I miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you
Yes I miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you
I'll always be here for you


but in other news:::

this is what happened the last few days:

got picked up super early
drove to the north to the western gallilee to meet guide shauilee
drove to binyamina
hiked a little
saw beautiful view
walekd further to rothschild garden
very peaceful, i would love to have a garden when i'm older
alice and i took gay photos
went to rothschild grave
took photos with fish
met a bat
went for lunch in zichron yaacov
met nice people from scotland and new orleans
they said we could stay there
talked to mom on phone
she's sad i won't be home
exchanged money
we drive to valley with caves
do some more hiking, stairs, think i'll die
enter home
more hiking
find caves, alice hears boars
more hiking
i talk to shauliee about hiking stamina
maybe i'll go hiking to get in shape, i realize i need to
get used to the pain
meet up with guy doing research, he tells us about the different species of stuff on each ridge
kosher dick
run into goat herd at the end, weirdest goats ever
and horse
get done hiking and start drive to kibbutz
listen to music and enjoy the view
stop at grocery store for dinner fixins
get to kibbutz, its fucking freezing
hang with naama and get some tea, talking about jewish boys
cut up veggies for barbeque
eat skewers
too cold
hang inside
finish eating
walk down to the bar owned by yariv's bro
explore but no one there
go back to room and hang watching batman while buffy and naama talk
get ready and pick up other girls until time to leave
get to bar and get first shots
bob dylan, alanis morisette
more drinks
play pool wth jade and alice, we suck
start playing toothpick games
get into it
really fun
drink more and hang out
play pool horribly
more free shots and drinks
walk home and pass out


woke up and walked to fortress for breakfast
really yummy breakfast in cool ass building with high school kids
meet yariv, wants to expand ISC
finish eating and go outside to check out the view
we hear about rockets nearby
really windy but really amazing
yariv tells us about his house that he's building
i could live on a kibbutz
see butt fucking sillouhette
go to fortress and yariv tells us about the significance with the crusades
keeps getting calls about the rockets
naama and yariv get into a disagreement about the bad stuff jews did
its just war, that's how it is
we get finihsed and walk all the way up to the tower
incredible view
walk down, crawl under locked fence
get to van and drive to rainbow canyon
take a hike around, really windy but beautiful
can see a third of israel, lebanon border and lookout
get outta there and go to cliffs
can't swim or you'll get shot around lebanon border
walk down by water, clearest blue, weird animals and sandy/reefy
pick up trash, yariv is sad because its' dirty
get out and drive to acko, alice and i start playing bad song games
get to acko and eat lunch, talking about the significance of acko and underground city
ate at hummus place
went to bathroom got turned down for a photo
got delicious desert
walked through city and market
i'd love to go back there
market was closed
walked around more and yariv told us about the riots there
finished up in acko and left yariv
best trip so far
drove, played bad song games again, slept
got home
imanuel stopped by
i kill myself trying to be natural but it hurts and its hard
we play songs and record stuff
naama comes by
really funny actually
he's just ridiculous
talks about him moving in
basically i need to be an adult, not worry about this, be myself, not care what he thinks. i'm a woman. it's ok to like someone, but i can be mature and direct and honest about this situation.
now i feel better
going to sleep
closing ceremony tomorrow

next day:

we woke up and cleaned the house getting ready for a visitor
i got picked up by naama to help dana preparing the kids' photos
i end up going to nave yonatan all by myself to mat these prints
say hi to rachael on the way in giving her a big hug
with terrible board, terrible tape, no help
i end up matting the prints by myself, but get a really cute girl named mya to help me cut tape
she asks me how i know rachael and tells me that rachael loves me but doesn't want everyone to know it (i think she's shy that she thinks the teacher is cool)
we finish up, mya asks me for a hug which i gladly give her (it was very sweet)
i hurry up to wait for zvi and jodi to get lost trying to pick me up
they FINALLY find me and we go to the place to set up for the closing ceremony
gets too late, so i just post the photos on a bulletin board
people start to file in and it's really nice because it's all the people that we've been working with for the past 5 months
karen from the TV station, sivan from kadima, fifine from sharet, elenor and yobsifer from nave yonatan, segev from el-em, and orna and yarden (my host mom and sister)
they all showed up to thank us and give us certificates of appreciation and completion
we start and momo says a few words, then each of our placements gets up to thank us individually
fifine gives us journals that our kids wrote sweet notes in to us (alli and i broke down at this point)
we all get up to say some words of thanks to each other and our volunteer placements and get really emotional (especially when i see fifine, orna, and alice)
we finally finish and say goodbye
alice and i walk home, stopping by kadima to say hi for a minute to the kids
get home in just enough time to drop our stuff off before walking to the community center to paint a wall with christian arab and jewish scouts together
it was really cool
i got some good shots
but i got to hear the leader of the christian scouts talk about the injustices carried out against the christians by the muslims and i realized that things are really not changing very quickly
it was nice to meet these kids though, and we painted a cool wall
alice and i walked home and changed before running out to the sub kuch to celebrate
we finally get there and hang out with the boys, daniel, etan, and yanez (jerk)
lots of celebratory beverages
have fun sitting and talking and loving
we go up to daniel's room and hang out with sebastien from vienna
leave the room early with etan and sebastien to talk at the bar (i realize i need to leave so i go back to daniel's room)
we decide to leave in a cab
finally get home and pass out


woke up kinda late and got a call from imanuel to see if we wanted to watch a movie
alice and i lazily putter around and watch part of darjeeling together
we hang out talking for a while and we finally call him to come over
he comes and brings the neil young movie
we make apple tea and hang out with buffy outside
we're shocked by her casting off of one of our other roommates
we go back inside and talk about imanuel moving in
he thinks he'll do it
i think that'll be ok
i just get real
we watch most of 'heart of gold'
i think about josh and my dad
get a little watery
imanuel leaves and al and chill out more trying to figure out what to do
we decide tonight's the night
i talk to my mom and eddie. i miss them
i call caitlin and it's really nice to talk to her (i love her, we'll always be close)
try really hard to get everyone out of the house
finally works, kinda
i call dylan and he makes my day
so wise
reminds me that being perfect is no fun
if everything was normal and working, we'd have nothing to live for
we get ready and cheers
things start to happen and life is good
i think about the fact that i'm still the little girl i used to be
i give that little girl and hug and let her know that everything will be ok
i won't let her down
i miss home like crazy and get stuck there, away from everything i know
makes me really sad
listen to radiohead and look at the maps
jodi comes in and tells us about her ex
alice and i decide to go outside
i get scared but she convinces me it'll be ok
i realize that i am the way i always am and that i can choose to be happy if i want it
i didn't choose to be happy at home and if i don't choose to be happy and unafraid here, then i won't be anywhere
we swing a little and walk to the wall we painted, then back down the street
grab a tangerine and hang out in the jungle in our front yard
alice drops the tangerine, i find it and we throw it at the house to scare jodi and shlomi
go back inside to call harper (no answer, funny message)
call andrew and we talk for hours and hours recording most of it
i'm just stuck in this weird in between place
neither here nor there
i better find a way to be ok or i never will be and its just that simple
talk about love, what it means
i fall in love all the time, for short periods of time
most of the people i fall in love with have no idea and most never will
maybe i can let myself love someone that loves me
talk about things that it was time to talk about
feels pretty good
there's these people that i am in love with, but i won't let myself love back
i need to stop thinking so much
it's ok to be lost. just jump in.
"if nothing else that's life. its real, sometimes it fucking hurts. but it's sorta all we have."
"when i'm with you i feel so safe. like i'm home"
we finally say goodnight after a good talk
i talk to my dad for a minute
then al and i talk about it a little before passing out after dawn
we wake up this afternoon and putter around some more before making eggs and watching stick it
i remember what it was like to be a gymnast
i want to have my body have muscles again
be in shape
that'll be great
now i have time
now we're watching garden state. and i love this movie. it makes me feel like i want to feel
it hurts to miss people and things and it's fucked up
but it's everything there is
now what?

i'm yelling into an abyss and it feels scary and good and real.

"for the first time in our lives, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are. and i think that'll be better."

stay tuned for plans.



Wednesday, January 7, 2009

i like your sweater, i like your coat

i apologize in advance. our internet has been really really really fucked up. so i just listed everything again. love you. sorry. bye.

slept through kadima
imanuel stopped by and we talked for a while
watched wall e with imanuel
got the urge to record so i did
came up with some cool stuff
talked to andy
went to sleep
woke up and went to ulpan
walked through the wrong way, and walked through the cemetary and jumped the fence
learned cool things
zvi came
we called him
got home and made food
zvi came back over
we took down the sukka
called josh because i was sad
alli and i talked a lot because i got sad
she made me feel better
then we made fucked up songs
sent them all to friends
went to bed watching scrubs with alli
woke up this morning to sharet
played with kids all day, theyre great
games really productive
talked to them about their view of the war
talked to woman from volcani
came home and recorded another song
really cool
left hurredly for kfar saba
ran to the atm, sheruit to train station, caught train barely, got off train
walked to the office (talked about alli's love life)
started to rain, coach picked us up
drove to kibbutz to surprise eddie
talked to dad, told him my temporary plans
got to place
i got nervous, but saw eddie speak made my heart soar
then i spoke
saw new friend
we all ate dinner
fuck i'm gonig to miss him
said hi to new friend and that i like his music
said sad goodbye to eddie
drove to tel aviv
to ramla
talked to coach about army and war
got home
played fun music times

next day:

im so happy today
just grumpy
bus nap
got to kibbutz
met russian group
had no idea what to talk about
ended up describing program and anwering questions
i was really proud of what we do
talekd to heidi who works with african refugees
gonna do that
combo of being proud of music and not caring what others think
met guy on bus
listened to music and talked
got to blind place, men were hilarious
i felt high from happiness
couldnt eat lunch
so we went to a place
cute guy checked me out
ate laffa
talked to heidi and jodi and naama
shes got balls
ran to bus
talked about eat a dick
listened to music with card tricks
dreamy russian guys
left them
taught them game
drove home
hung out
tried to record
fucked it up
got lot kinda to nave yonatan
dana told me the girls wanted to show me a dnace
they did
i beamed
i almost cried
gave camera
one got mad
we went outside
almost got into a fight with boys
proud of girls
waled home fast
saw alice
recorded jungle symphony
goign out
didn't go out
just stayed home and passed out

next day:

woke up and fucked around all day
got up and showered
watched deathproof
marissa and keegan are the best friends ever
they made me ridiculous videos
went to sub kuch
met boys
got birthday treats
met friend
i am very surprised by a hand on my face and a kiss on my lips
asked to leave
fucking almost die getting to the station
sherit home really fast
get home and comfy
i'll be right back
comes back
we start
long time, really good, but i'm totally distracted
afterwards i pee on myself trying to get my tampon out
we sleep
wake back up
i do a little something
i beat myself up and stuff
talk myself out of why i'm an asshole
i go back to sleep
get up and make some food
watch death proof
watch ferris bueller
watch airheads
try to record something
get picked up by orna and kids
so happy to see them
we have a really nice dinner
put spoons on noses
i eat chocolate
eat glass
get dropped off
meet new roomates
and fifi
now in bed
picking photos for kids


sad to leave michal
learned a lot
new teacher came and we discussed the "matzav" (situation) in gaza
i like her
came home and hung out for a while
called and spoke to mr. keegan mcinroe
edited photos for the kids' exhibition that we're having at the closing ceremony
decided to go to the sub kuch with new roommate robin
talked to dad on the sheruit for a while about eddie
kinda sad
i miss them
got to the sub kuch and remembered its open stage
i walk up to check the gallery and this dude is playing man man on the piano
i start singing with him and he teaches me how to play it
cool guy tim from the west coast, just got off birthright
hung out for a while
i played joanna newsom and radiohead badly
i need to practice
tim and friend play nelly and beyonce
i feel better
gave link to chen
hung out with daniel in his room
played some songs
in the night
kind of annoyed, but only mildly. just sketched
walked to the sheruit station
waited for a while and decided to catch a cab
got home kinda late, but not too late
had a friend sleeping over
put a blanket, kiss on the forehead
answered new boston friend's email
found weshotjr posted my year end review
makes me sad
went to bed


woke up and went to volcani
bought some pears and grumpily caught sheruit to nave yonatan
got onto the bus and hung out until rachael got on and said "BOEE" (come on)
we chilled on the bus and listened to michael jackson on my ipod, talking for a bit
spent the day hanging out and pulling weeds, getting really dirty
slicing olives, peeling garlic, cutting lemons to make olive oil
it was great
then hadar took us to speak with rivka, the woman who'll be giving us a job in the plant gene bank
they peel seeds in the lab and clean them for stock in the cold room
we got real excited
all we need is a work visa and a bank account
so we finished up with the kids and ate lunch
kept seeing joke guys
rachael told me she'd get me a present for my brithday (i gave her the CD with her photos)
we took photos all on the bus (she loves that)
came home and took a nap before kadima
new roommate, grrrrrrrrrrrrr
woke up and walked to kadima
spent time hanging out and playing soccer
i scored my first goal!!!!!
love those kids
really great, gonna miss them a lot
talked to naama
she said the kids' photos look gorgeous
can't wait for the closing ceremony
came home and imanuel came by for a smoke
alice made stir fry after we stopped by and grabbed some veggies
watched the worst movie ever made (volleyball strippers)
got another message from boston friend
zvi stopped by with an offer and a postcard from ERNIE!
spoke to coach about his army visit
getting ready for trip to gallilee tomorrow
upset because i can't find my camera charger

all the new music i've been making is here. thanks to everyone who's listened already.

love everyone...


Monday, January 5, 2009

one day baby we'll be old and think of all the stories that we could've told

well, today is a little different. call it lazyness if you will but i've only got a brief report of events. i realized some things this weekend that merit more respect. we went to the shoshana in natanya this friday after hanging at the sub kuch for some time with some nice people with good hair and tall frames. i realized that janez is kind of a douche and that's a pretty relieving little fact. i'm glad to be over that. anywho, went to the shoshana and practically passed right out with roni. woke up to some really nice things and burekas. took some polaroids and hung out in the lovely ocean breeze. alice, roni, and i decided to watch into the wild. i'd never seen it and it would be an understatement to say that it impacted me. the fact that this young, ambitious, intelligent person declined everything anyone but nature had to offer him, escaping the stronghold of society inspires me beyond measure. i wrote my thoughts in another place, but it meant a lot. got me thinking. i needed it.

after the movie, i was in a different place mentally and emotionally. we watched the sunset, and it was one of the most beautiful moments i've ever had. later on, we played some guitar, and a plural game, before eran drove alice, edai, and myself to tel aviv so i could meet my brother. i walked in the mall and from the escalator up, i spotted my bro and yelled his name, we both ran to meet in the middle, him upwards, me down. it was such a sweet moment. we couldn't stop hugging. i was so happy to see him. he's proud of me. i am proud of him. we ate some food and arms around each other, took a great polaroid that i can't now seem to find. but we decided to meet their birthright group at a beach bar called, la mer. the music was terrible, but i met a very interesting person/musician. and of course, i got to hang out with my brother and indulge in some nargilah which was more worth it than anyone will ever know. once it was time for them to leave, we hugggggggggged and said nighty night. alice and i walked to the sub kuch and hung out for a long long long time before her soccer partner picked us up in his loud, fast mazda or something. it was really a funny ride.

we got home at 3:30AM only to wake up at 8AM for a trip into some ancient caves. i was not excited when i woke up. pretty grumpy even. but we went and it was really cool. mostly dove breeding caves for food and fertilizer and caves to keep the dead. really interesting. then we went to a tank museum, containing 160 tanks from around the world, including the new mach4 top secret israeli tank. eddie would have loved it. i told him i'd take photos. after the trip, we came home and imanuel stopped by to hang out and share some israeli music and photos from his travels. he's a really cool guy. glad we're friends with him. so fucking funny. went to bed late after reading a great article about chris mccandles, the kid who inspired into the wild.

alice and i had a great talk last night. i won't get too into it because it's something that's very personal. what i will say is that i find myself doing everything for approval in every aspect of my life. i'm tired of it. there have been times when i've not cared what others thought. i want to get back there. to think for myself. to create things for their own sake rather than what others think. it's just fucking bullshit and i'm better than that. that's all there is to it. and allowing myself to get sucked into the petty concerns of life. even relationships. it's time to wake up. be strong. be me. ok. i'm glad she's here. i get challenged in good ways. it's important to talk about this.

today we went to volcani. i fucking love it there. and rachael is my favorite. alli and i realized today that even if a grown man fucked with me, rachael would kick his ass. that makes me proud. i pulled weeds in the field. it felt good to get dirty and sweaty. i spoke to the woman about getting jobs after the program is over in two fucking weeks. she said she'd look into it. that would be great. after we got home, i called marissa because she is my best buddy and having a hard time at law school. i just want to give her a hug and tell her everything wll be fine. i just want her to be happy. she's just sysiphus on the mountain. now i'm napping. talk soon.



Friday, January 2, 2009

speak, baby speak, tell me i'm weak

al and i got a bus to jerusalem
met dad and joan with their tour guide, tomer
drove to kibbutz tzuba, where dad and joan were staying
hung out at reception and got some yummy sandwiches, talking about the trip
got showered, best feeling ever ever ever
watched figure skating, latin ballroom, and interpretive dance
woke up and had breakfast
dreamy guys everywhere
al and i found out how we can work there
took a walk around the grounds, pretty place
left for eilat
got a little lost (tense!)
went to where the dead sea scrolls were found and saw a video and the ancient grounds
really cool, place to hike
drove more to the dead sea, ate there (didn't get in, dad didn't want to leave the car)
drove more to masada, BARELY made the cable car thingy
got up to the top, gave dad bar mitzvah since he's never had one (really sweet)
i asked for a talit from oranim, gave it to him and had him say a tali prayer in hebrew at the best lookout of all masada. he liked it :)
took the last cable car and got back down
saw harper WEIRD
drove to eilat at sunset/night
looked at stars
amazing views
got to hotel after getting SUPER lost driving through las vegas of israel
walked to dinner at italian place, after problem woman changing kid on table
got back and got ready, met birthright group at unplugged
danced on bar and drank
really smelly dude (al's boyfriend)
met adam smith and boys
facebooking adam smith
maybe like, one smeethome
woke at 6 for petra
picked up at other hotels
got to border
waited a lot
got through the jordanian border (cancelled our visas)
cool gift shop, turkish coffee oasis
finally got on a bus
drove 2 and a half hours
really cool photos shot out the window of the bus
crazy dilapidated towns
amazing looking people
arrived at petra
molested by shop guys who gave us cool head scarves
one put a burka on my face, it was really scary
i felt like a woman who was being trapped
started walking down through the canyon
most amazing thing i've seen ever
horses and beduins and carved out rock homes and temples
finally walked through a narrow canyon and emerged in a huge open space, revealing the most amazing thing i've ever seen
a huge ornate temple carved out of a mountain face
took lots of photos:
dad and joan with camel, al with guard on cell phone
people like their picture taken here, not in israel
made some little hustler friends (young girls trying to sell us postcards)
we finally left them, kept climbing and taking in the atmosphere
it felt as if we were back in the spice route times
really amazing jewelry places
no money
found horses in front of a carved out house
climbed up carved out stairs and just sat for a minute taking everything in
very peaceful
walked back most of the way, then talked our way into riding some horses the rest of the way
got to the oriental restaurant and ate some jordanian food with boring/exciting kentucky people
i asked if they knew jim james. they didn't
we almost left al because she took too long to shop, then almost got hit by a bus
drove a long way to the border, through the mountains and amazing landscape of jordan, at sunset
got to the border, just barely got through due to border stuff
got showered up and ready for dinner
found this yummy place called pago pago
ate an amazing calamari salad
got sea sick since the restaurant was a boat
talked about favorite things
got home and vegged out
watched movies
fell asleep
woke up next morning kinda late, got breakfast
checked out of hotel
drove through the negev, to ramon crater
really amazing museum and lookout
the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen
drove to the kibbutz where ben gurion is buried
walked in on an IDF swearing in ceremony
just so many young, new soldiers
it was interesting because the war just started and these are all just kids
we didn't find ben gurion's house, but we did find a little cafe to eat
afterwards, we got really lost in the beduin suburbs but finally found the house
got convinced into a wine tasting by a guy from cali that started a vineyard out here
got to ben gurion's house right before it closed, had to maneuver through lots of soldiers
on the way out, we discovered a "yad shniyah" shop (means second hand in hebrew)--i'm a genius
dad almost bought be a 35mm film body, but it had a scratch
there were the most amazing sweaters ever
the shop keeper told us that be'er sheva was a danger zone, so we should go around it
it's a good thing because we were going to stop there
we left and drove more through the desert
more beautiful scenery
took a really long time to get to ramla, but we finally did
said goodbye to dad and joan
started to decompress and get ready for new year's eve
imanuel stopped by and we hung out for a while
he showed us this:

really impressed, israeli musician
it got so late that al and i just did the countdown to new year's in the kitchen, took a shot of vodka, kissed, and watched darjeeling limited before going to sleep
i video chatted with josh, which was great. i really miss him.
woke up yesterday and fiddled around a bit, cleaning for naama to bring a municipality worker by the house
i need to grow up kinda
we had a security meeting at the apartment about what to do in case of an emergency
walked home and chilled before meeting the kids at nave yonatan so i could show them the photos they took last week
on the way i found a little woven arrow attached to a branch, i found a pink shoelace and tied a bow on the end to prevent the ends from fraying further
decided to give it to dad and joan because it represents israel:
it has a point or goal, but the edges are starting to come apart, except they are tying everything together to keep it together
when i arrived, we got on the computer at the school and was very impressed by one girl's work. she has an eye for sure
i showed them some of my work
next week i'll bring the cameras, they seemed kinda disappointed that i didn't bring them
got done and headed out on the slowest sheruit i've ever been on with the worst driver possible
got to tel aviv and just took a fucking cab to meet dad and joan at the tel aviv museum of art
the guy dropped me off at the wrong corner and i got all flustered and hurried trying to find them since i was supposed to have been there a whole hour and a half before (but i did have a pretty sweet conversation with the cab driver in all hebrew)
we finally met up and drove around for a while trying to find someplace to eat before getting to the airport
i'm really proud of how they have navigated with the rental car
they get terribly lost always
but it makes me appreciative that i don't drive here
decided to just go to the airport, got gas miraculously and laughed about accents
spent some time getting things sent and eating sandwiches
we talked about their favorite parts of the trip and al got to say goodbye over the phone
we hung out a little more and then stood in the security line until it was time to go to the terminal
everyone got all flustered in line and it was funny
really good looking guys work at the airport
they got check in and it was time to say goodbye to dad and joan
i don't know when i'll get to see my dad next so it was really sad
no tears then, but big hugs and kisses and love
i will miss my dad very much
he's the best dad ever and i told him so
we waved goodbye one last time and i walked away, looking back
as soon as i left them a wave of sadness hit me
i almost cried, but had to figure out how to get to the train to tel aviv to meet al, so i did
joan gave me this sick photo book from an amazing photojournalist that has been documenting all the fucked up stuff going on during the war in israel named pavel wolberg
i suggest him
waiting for the train, i met this cool australian guy traveling with his girlfriend
told him about the sub kuch, we rode on the train together, then walked to the bus station once in tel aviv
al called me from the station right when we got there, so we met, i said goodbye to the aussie and we walked to the sub kuch
lots of good looking guys there last night, but all we did was look
we just spent the night hanging with sagi, daniel, mayyan, and everyone else
saw yanez, kinda weird
met asaf who is working on a global awareness project in the form of a music festival in the south near be'er sheva
got his number
daniel gave me the asaf avidan CD!@!!!!! ("eets a plesent")
best present ever
alice really wanted to go home so we grabbed a cab after some treats
i got woken up as soon as we got home and we passed out
this morning, alice thought i was sleep-picking-my-nose
we've basically just been bumming around all day, excpet to get some groceries
made some eggs with challah
i've been writing this fucking thing all day, catching up with friends, looking at photos and hip hop choreography videos
talked to eddie who is in jerualem, but he's so busy that i haven't gotten to see him yet
i can't wait until he gets to tel aviv
i miss the shit outta that guy
so tonight al and i are gonig to natanya supposedly
love everyone...


new photos here

and here