who needs to know

i have difficulty when i feel that i'm not making good things. that's how i felt tonight. it frustrated me. i don't have a specific vision for what i want to create, and i'm not even sure it's necessary. but i do know that i want to create things that i'm proud of. that would inspire me. that have the potential to inspire others. i want there to be a continuity in what i make and what i show. there's just a disconnect between the two that i am having a hard time reconciling. frustrating.

had a really good conversation with eddie tonight about precisely that, after i'd had my own personal thing. he asked me what inspires me. i thought for a minute. i told him; things that i never would have thought of myself. other people. nature. music and art, of course. those close to me that are creating beautiful, interesting, wonderful things. he told me that he'd been reading walden, and noticing the beauty in the words, became inspired himself to write. in order to re-imagine that beauty in his own way. he asked me what i did when i got stumped. i told him that i either pushed through it or gave up. that if i keep trying long enough, i'll find something. maybe not was i was originally looking for. but something. i told him he should write. not for anyone else, but for himself. he's a voracious reader. he wants to be creative with something. he's a very good writer actually. not surprising. i realized i should probably take my own advice. i'm grateful that we had that conversation, which in turn allowed me to finish something i'd been working on.

if i could decide something for myself and will its realization into being, i'd wish that i would envision something, a song, a series of photographs, whatever; that means something to me. DO it. make it real so that they all make sense. i know that i make things. but they are all so sporadic and spontaneous that nothing fits together. maybe it doesn't have to. maybe it will someday. but it feels like i want it to.