just because the sky turned from grey into blue

the best laid plans are bullshit. things that are the most right hurt the most also. for me anyway. because i'm abnormal. i'm embracing that. it's ok. the point is that i've made some decisions about what to do next. i stand by them, even thought they are difficult. here they are:

1) stay in israel for the next 6 months and work to save money to get to africa. i feel like whatever i'm doing here is valuable for me and other people. i like that feeling.

2) the ministry of agriculture that we volunteer with has offered alice and i jobs working in a lab cleaning seeds for the clean room for research. i like that idea. working with my hands. it's cleansing. all the way.

3) we found an apartment in ramla (the city that i've been living in for the past few months). it's 3-bedroom for 2000 sheckels (that's about 800 dollars). plus, it's fully furnished. not bad.

4) momo (owner of oranim educational initiatives) has offered us part time work at the office in kfar saba promoting the israel service corps (the program i've been on).

5) if we want, we've been offered jobs by the women we volunteered with working for the city of ramla to help with volunteer programing and tutoring english.

so things are looking pretty interesting at this point. i'm in a crazy place in my life. i'm lost and stuck in an in between place. i'm not safe emotionally. i'm safe physically. but not at home. i'm so fucking far away from home that i couldn't be more far away from home. but fuck it. if i was at home i would be pining for something else anyway. some adventure. and that's all i'm doing, really. this is the time. i have no responsibility at home. i miss the fuck out of my family and feeling comfortable and safe at home. i miss my friends. my real ones. and people that love and care about me no matter what. but i will tell you something. you really find out who your true friends are when you're away from home. if anything i've learned that. i'm no dummy. just a little slow. i guess i'm just slowly learning how to take down the walls that i put up that hold me back. and away from other people. that's the scariest fucking thing i've ever done. it's terrifying actually. it feels like i'm screaming inside to just let go. stop being scared. you can fucking do this. you can fucking do anything. just relax. breathe. stop. ok now go and don't stop until i die. so that's what i'm doing. if anything i learn from several people in particular: if i want a pizza, i gotta order it. i'm dialing the number. it's ringing. "hello?..."

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UPDATE: alice just got a call from her mom including an ultimatum to be back in LA by august 1, 2009 for her sister's sweet 16. so that's interesting news. i don't know EXACTLY what it means yet, but it's something. it's funny, the fact that there's a bit of an expiration date on this particular adventure gives me a renewed energy for being here. a goal to work for. we talked about coming back, going to school for a year or so, then going to south america for the peace corps. why not, right? i figure if i can do this, i can do anything. i feel great. alice is upset because she likes existing in the unknown. nay, thrives in it. but i think it'll be ok. it even gives me more of an appreciation for my time here. YAY

love,

sally