used to be one of the rotten ones

FIRST DAY OF ULPAN TODAY!!!

it's really cool. i had a great time in class today. i feel like i already some things about hebrew from hebrew school (thanks mom and dad for making me go) and that it will get easier as i build on the foundation of words and grammar that i already know. fuck yeah! just another example of how these challenges will get easier as i acknowledge and confront them. which reminds me, i was thinking today how in the past, when i've adopted a productive behaviour (i.e., running, eating well, reading books a lot, blah blah blah) i always know in the back of my mind that it's temporary. i don't know if that's because i know it will be hard and i don't know if i will stick to it if it's hard or that i've never seen anyone actually change (myself included), so i automatically assume that people can't change permanently. i really want to change in certain ways. permanently. this is the perfect place to do it, but even writing these words, i feel doubt. the motivation must come from inside. so the only thing i can do is write a to do list and accomplish each thing that i set out to do, squashing the voices in my head each day that tell me i can't. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk why do i do this?

ok... anyway, today was cool. we went to the youth center today. kids make me nervous kind of. i feel like they can smell my uncertainty. that's one reason i admire alli, she just jumps in there. no fear. it's really cool to watch. i think i'm doing better though. they're really sweet kids. i tried to help this one really quiet girl with her english homework. it must be as difficult as my hebrew homework in about 2 years, if i was 11 years old. wow. also, i brought my camera out to take photos of them, and they all swarmed and ravenously tried to take photos with it. i let a few and then it got to be too crazy, they were all grabbing it from each other, so i out it away. but i really want to figure out a way to get them their own cameras (even disposable), so they can start paying attention to their surroundings and being able to own something that they create. naama said she will talk to the director to see if we can make this happen. also, i'm totally bringing good shoes to play ball with the kids tomorrow.

we left the center about 3PM, as the kids bid us excited goodbyes because they know we are coming back. alli's got some serious fans there. this one kid, shai, blew her a kiss as we walked away. some of them gave us hugs too :) we went to meet naama at the house to meet with her about our preferences and options for volunteer placement. once we tell her which places and programs we're interested in, she can put together a schedule that will fit in 3 or 4 days of volunteering, ulpan, working at the oranim office to make extra money, etc. i told naama that i wanted to work 1) at the teen youth center (called El-em) teaching photography or working on their 'greenhouse' agriculture project (teaching kids to grow their own food and how to sell it), 2) at a TV and radio station (where we may be able to make our own documentary about the program, which is something alli and i wanted to collaborate on anyway), and 3) and the youth center we've been going to (called Kadima). since i do photography, naama says a lot of places want me to volunteer there, so i might also go to a high school, vocational school, or the senior center. it all sounds cool. especially because all the directors really care about what they are doing.

OHHHHHH, and since ramla is a lower income area, the government subsidizes classes like bellydancing, pilates, capoeira, and martial arts that we can take for 150 sheckles a month!!! i'm totally excited about it. unfortunately however, i decided not to get paul mccartney tickets tonight because they are 500 sheckels (120 US dollars). and i just think that's not a wise us of my money at all. i'm trying to conserve. plus, i'm keeping in my mind that something incredible might happen so i can go for free. who knows? weirder things have happened. maybe i'll try to get in with my camera. or meet some famous person that really HAS to take me to see paul FUCKING mccartney. shit.

ok nighty night. more pics on the way. then i'll FINALLY be caught up. now i just need to do my fucking laundry. but at least (DAD) my room is clean. and my bed is made. :)

love,

sally