her hair is soft and her breath is soft and her name is soft

i watched the neil young movie 'heart of gold' today. he started talking about his daughter, then played this song that he'd written about her. i thought about my dad. so dad, if you can hear me, watch this movie.

When your summer days come tumbling down
And you find yourself alone
Then you can come back and be with me
Just close your eyes and I'll be there
Listen to the

sound
Of this old heart beating for you
Yes I'd miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you

When the winter comes to your new home
And snowflakes are falling down
Then you can come back and be with me
Just close your eyes and I'll be there
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/AlkD ]
Listen to the sound
Of this old heart beating for you
Yes I'd miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you

In the spring, protective
arms surrounding you
In the fall, we let you go your way
Happiness I know will always find you
And when it does, I hope that it will stay

Yes I miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you
Yes I miss you
But I never want to hold you down
You might say I'm here for you
I'll always be here for you

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

but in other news:::

this is what happened the last few days:

got picked up super early
drove to the north to the western gallilee to meet guide shauilee
drove to binyamina
hiked a little
saw beautiful view
walekd further to rothschild garden
very peaceful, i would love to have a garden when i'm older
alice and i took gay photos
went to rothschild grave
took photos with fish
met a bat
went for lunch in zichron yaacov
TACOS!!!!
met nice people from scotland and new orleans
they said we could stay there
talked to mom on phone
she's sad i won't be home
exchanged money
we drive to valley with caves
do some more hiking, stairs, think i'll die
enter home
more hiking
find caves, alice hears boars
more hiking
i talk to shauliee about hiking stamina
maybe i'll go hiking to get in shape, i realize i need to
get used to the pain
meet up with guy doing research, he tells us about the different species of stuff on each ridge
kosher dick
run into goat herd at the end, weirdest goats ever
and horse
get done hiking and start drive to kibbutz
listen to music and enjoy the view
stop at grocery store for dinner fixins
get to kibbutz, its fucking freezing
hang with naama and get some tea, talking about jewish boys
cut up veggies for barbeque
eat skewers
too cold
hang inside
finish eating
walk down to the bar owned by yariv's bro
explore but no one there
go back to room and hang watching batman while buffy and naama talk
get ready and pick up other girls until time to leave
get to bar and get first shots
bob dylan, alanis morisette
more drinks
play pool wth jade and alice, we suck
start playing toothpick games
get into it
really fun
drink more and hang out
play pool horribly
more free shots and drinks
walk home and pass out

today

woke up and walked to fortress for breakfast
really yummy breakfast in cool ass building with high school kids
meet yariv, wants to expand ISC
finish eating and go outside to check out the view
we hear about rockets nearby
really windy but really amazing
yariv tells us about his house that he's building
i could live on a kibbutz
see butt fucking sillouhette
go to fortress and yariv tells us about the significance with the crusades
keeps getting calls about the rockets
naama and yariv get into a disagreement about the bad stuff jews did
its just war, that's how it is
we get finihsed and walk all the way up to the tower
incredible view
walk down, crawl under locked fence
get to van and drive to rainbow canyon
take a hike around, really windy but beautiful
can see a third of israel, lebanon border and lookout
get outta there and go to cliffs
can't swim or you'll get shot around lebanon border
walk down by water, clearest blue, weird animals and sandy/reefy
pick up trash, yariv is sad because its' dirty
get out and drive to acko, alice and i start playing bad song games
get to acko and eat lunch, talking about the significance of acko and underground city
ate at hummus place
went to bathroom got turned down for a photo
got delicious desert
walked through city and market
i'd love to go back there
market was closed
walked around more and yariv told us about the riots there
finished up in acko and left yariv
best trip so far
drove, played bad song games again, slept
got home
imanuel stopped by
i kill myself trying to be natural but it hurts and its hard
we play songs and record stuff
naama comes by
really funny actually
he's just ridiculous
talks about him moving in
basically i need to be an adult, not worry about this, be myself, not care what he thinks. i'm a woman. it's ok to like someone, but i can be mature and direct and honest about this situation.
now i feel better
going to sleep
closing ceremony tomorrow

next day:

we woke up and cleaned the house getting ready for a visitor
i got picked up by naama to help dana preparing the kids' photos
i end up going to nave yonatan all by myself to mat these prints
say hi to rachael on the way in giving her a big hug
with terrible board, terrible tape, no help
i end up matting the prints by myself, but get a really cute girl named mya to help me cut tape
she asks me how i know rachael and tells me that rachael loves me but doesn't want everyone to know it (i think she's shy that she thinks the teacher is cool)
we finish up, mya asks me for a hug which i gladly give her (it was very sweet)
i hurry up to wait for zvi and jodi to get lost trying to pick me up
they FINALLY find me and we go to the place to set up for the closing ceremony
gets too late, so i just post the photos on a bulletin board
people start to file in and it's really nice because it's all the people that we've been working with for the past 5 months
karen from the TV station, sivan from kadima, fifine from sharet, elenor and yobsifer from nave yonatan, segev from el-em, and orna and yarden (my host mom and sister)
they all showed up to thank us and give us certificates of appreciation and completion
we start and momo says a few words, then each of our placements gets up to thank us individually
fifine gives us journals that our kids wrote sweet notes in to us (alli and i broke down at this point)
we all get up to say some words of thanks to each other and our volunteer placements and get really emotional (especially when i see fifine, orna, and alice)
we finally finish and say goodbye
alice and i walk home, stopping by kadima to say hi for a minute to the kids
get home in just enough time to drop our stuff off before walking to the community center to paint a wall with christian arab and jewish scouts together
it was really cool
i got some good shots
but i got to hear the leader of the christian scouts talk about the injustices carried out against the christians by the muslims and i realized that things are really not changing very quickly
it was nice to meet these kids though, and we painted a cool wall
alice and i walked home and changed before running out to the sub kuch to celebrate
we finally get there and hang out with the boys, daniel, etan, and yanez (jerk)
lots of celebratory beverages
have fun sitting and talking and loving
we go up to daniel's room and hang out with sebastien from vienna
leave the room early with etan and sebastien to talk at the bar (i realize i need to leave so i go back to daniel's room)
we decide to leave in a cab
finally get home and pass out

yesterday:

woke up kinda late and got a call from imanuel to see if we wanted to watch a movie
alice and i lazily putter around and watch part of darjeeling together
we hang out talking for a while and we finally call him to come over
he comes and brings the neil young movie
we make apple tea and hang out with buffy outside
we're shocked by her casting off of one of our other roommates
we go back inside and talk about imanuel moving in
he thinks he'll do it
i think that'll be ok
i just get real
we watch most of 'heart of gold'
i think about josh and my dad
get a little watery
imanuel leaves and al and chill out more trying to figure out what to do
we decide tonight's the night
i talk to my mom and eddie. i miss them
i call caitlin and it's really nice to talk to her (i love her, we'll always be close)
try really hard to get everyone out of the house
finally works, kinda
i call dylan and he makes my day
so wise
reminds me that being perfect is no fun
if everything was normal and working, we'd have nothing to live for
we get ready and cheers
things start to happen and life is good
i think about the fact that i'm still the little girl i used to be
i give that little girl and hug and let her know that everything will be ok
i won't let her down
i miss home like crazy and get stuck there, away from everything i know
makes me really sad
listen to radiohead and look at the maps
jodi comes in and tells us about her ex
alice and i decide to go outside
i get scared but she convinces me it'll be ok
i realize that i am the way i always am and that i can choose to be happy if i want it
i didn't choose to be happy at home and if i don't choose to be happy and unafraid here, then i won't be anywhere
we swing a little and walk to the wall we painted, then back down the street
grab a tangerine and hang out in the jungle in our front yard
alice drops the tangerine, i find it and we throw it at the house to scare jodi and shlomi
go back inside to call harper (no answer, funny message)
call andrew and we talk for hours and hours recording most of it
i'm just stuck in this weird in between place
neither here nor there
i better find a way to be ok or i never will be and its just that simple
talk about love, what it means
i fall in love all the time, for short periods of time
most of the people i fall in love with have no idea and most never will
maybe i can let myself love someone that loves me
talk about things that it was time to talk about
feels pretty good
there's these people that i am in love with, but i won't let myself love back
i need to stop thinking so much
it's ok to be lost. just jump in.
"if nothing else that's life. its real, sometimes it fucking hurts. but it's sorta all we have."
"when i'm with you i feel so safe. like i'm home"
we finally say goodnight after a good talk
i talk to my dad for a minute
then al and i talk about it a little before passing out after dawn
we wake up this afternoon and putter around some more before making eggs and watching stick it
i remember what it was like to be a gymnast
i want to have my body have muscles again
be in shape
that'll be great
now i have time
now we're watching garden state. and i love this movie. it makes me feel like i want to feel
it hurts to miss people and things and it's fucked up
but it's everything there is
now what?

i'm yelling into an abyss and it feels scary and good and real.

"for the first time in our lives, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are. and i think that'll be better."

stay tuned for plans.

love,

sally