cold hands warm heart

today was interesting. it actually started off as one of those days. you know, THOSE days. i went to bed too fucking late and woke up grumpy. and i felt as if i had a gray cloud over my head and my thoughts and my consciousness that i just couldn't shake. i kept doubting myself and overanalyzing simple, innocuous situations. schedule-wise, it was a pretty standard day. i went to ulpan at 8:30AM, walked to the apartment and hung out with jen and jade for a bit, then came home to chill and take a nap. actually, i was supposed to walk to kadima with alon to meet with the capoeira master who was teaching a class for 4 year olds so we can find out about taking a class from him. i ended up flaking and staying at home. i chalked it up to being too tired, or that it wasn't actually a class. or whatever. it was just an excuse. and i'm surely being hard on myself, but my enthusiasm was lacking. for the day, for this place, for my activities. for my new life here. so i bummed out. and sent messages to all my friends back at home. went for a walk with al before she left with assi to hang in tel aviv. i had some alone time. with alon. and we played a little guitar while mike played the drum he bought in the druish village. i remembered how much i enjoyed just sitting and learning songs. so i think i'll do that again. and even start writing some stuff, because ideas have been coming to me, but i don't allow them to materialize. that will change. i like writing, even though it is a very challenging process due to the amount of concentration it takes for me to sit down and hammer out guitar parts and lyrics. it feels like writing a ten page philosophy paper. that's honestly the closest thing i can think of to compare it to.

anyway, i started reading david sedaris 'dress your family in denim an courdoroy' as a more constructive outlet than playing on the computer. i didn't get very far, but i did surprisingly laugh out loud a few times. i was glad, because i had expectations that he was a funny writer, but it's rare that i laugh out loud when i read, chuck klosterman being an exception to that rule. i also realized the other day that my favorite people in the world are the ones that make me laugh. that's a good thing to know i think. so i'll finish that book too.

another thing that i do when i get nostalgic is listen to music, so i checked the weshotjr last.fm page for playlists and ended up streaming two of my friends' libraries. it made me feel good listening to the music they love and discovering new artists and songs that i genuinely enjoyed that i can now channel in my time.

al finally got home and we talked about how i felt kind of crummy today and the fact that i've been spending too much time zoning out on my computer as thinly veiled escapism. i have been contacting my friends and family at home as a seemingly desperate grasp for familiarity. i'm finally realizing on some level that i will be here for a while, and after the mood i was in today that might have started creeping into my conscious awareness before today, my body reacted my reaching out to the old. but i'm here, in israel. not at home. and that's the whole point. so i'm going to embrace every lesson and experience and opportunity this place has to offer, or else my coming here is in vain. and the next time i feel sad or lathargic, i can read, or play guitar, or just sit and meditate or relax. i don't want to be scared anymore, and i don't want to escape from the present moment. because life is good here. and i can change and grow if i allow myself to.

al and i decided that we need to start making friends. israeli friends. and instead of just going out at night, we can go out during the day to the beach and through work. overstimulating environments, like bars, are not so conducive to initiating new friendships, maybe.

ok, so tomorrow will be better. i've decided. i will be well rested. i will start fiddling around with the cameras that oranim has provided me to teach with. and i will figure those fuckers out so that i can enrich those kids with a creative outlet that they would not have been exposed to otherwise. goddamnit. ok.

OH YEAH! my dad and joan will be here hannukah/christmas, my brother is coming on birthright in december, and my mom is coming somtime. plus, andy from al and i's birthright is coming in november. lots to look forward to. i can't fucking wait!

goodnight everyone. love always.

sally