let's see. woke up groggy this morning, but i've been sleeping well lately, so i felt better walking down the street to sharet. i even had a bagel with cream cheese. yeah, that's right... CREAM CHEESE MOTHA FUCKAS. gooooooood. got some clothes from the side of the road today, hopefully i can make them work. after washing them, of course. so al and i spoke english with the kids again today, but it was a lot more awkward since we'd already met them and asked all the obligatory, and easy, get-to-know-you questions. plus, the were a bit used to us, so they just spoke hebrew to each other a lot, which we are supposed to discourage them from doing. still really sweet kids though. they ask us about the volunteers from last program, like coach and mayaan, who they want desperately to visit. walked home afterwards, stopping at the bakery for some pita, then had barely enough time to grab all my cameras and book it to the ramla colelge to meet another keren so she could take me to the school where i'd teach a little class some photo stuff. long story short, i got ditched and she got busy. so yet again, i didn't teach photography today. whatever, i was listening to elliott smith and buying cheese at the yesh market on the way home so i was fine. i hated myself for being kind of relieved that i didn't have to teach today, but then decided that i was ust scared and i really want to make a difference even though it's hard. i've been super self-centered. probably always. that's a big goal. to focus on other people and things that will enrich me as a human being, not stifle me and allow me to be comfortably numb. but elliott smith still helped. always does. and always will.
met al at this SICCCCCCCCCCK fucking dress store where i will be emptying my pockets. not really, but these frocks are phantasmagoric. (it sounds better when you say it out loud.) we walked home and hung out for minute before al had the idea to grab a couple of beers from the discount market and go read at the park. at first, i just wanted to sleep at home, but so as not to waste a nice day and regret it, i picked up all my shit and just went for it. jono the aussie, whom rayna is now dating and is guesting for the time being, came along. we had a nice relaxing time in the park. i tried to start crime and punishment, but just stopped to listen to elliott smith. it's been so long and it makes me feel so many things. i got an email from josh. he's in portland on tour with this band. i'm so proud of him and elliott always takes me back to our good times. thank moses we're still friends. especially admire him for being so passionate about music. i wish i could lose myself in something like that.
after park, and running into naama's brother imanuel, we walked home to cook dinner. i don't know what happened, but something got really stressful and tense as soon as al started cooking pizza for us. i don't know what, but it was the first time that i'd gotten on her nerves i think. but it wasn't about me. we talked about it later, but there's something weird in the air. it seemed to do mostly with a joke taken wrong by the apartment folks. it's sad, but it's almost as if everyone is aching to go home. this program didn't work the magic they thought it would, escaping from home for something new. so they complain. and it's really negative. everyone ended up coming over for dinner. we all hung out kind of, but it was tense. al is upset that everyone is shirking their volunteer duties and are not really doing what they say they came here to do, which is help people and make a difference. i admire her passion and self-lessness, because even i forget why i'm here. and it's lucky that she's here to remind me. anyway, to ease the tension, i thought i'd get everyone together for a group hug. kind of weird, yeah, but i thought it would be weird enough to work. we had a group hug and i just said that we had a great trip this weekend and i loved everyone in our group. i didn't know what to say, so i left it. we all ate dinner together, which was kinda of nice, although weirdly tense. we sat around a told stories and laughed, but i wanted to get away for a minute, so i went to the little playground down the street to swing. al told me on the way that there were some kind of mean-ish words said which hurt my feelings, but it was nice to swing anyway. i have been rationalizing all night why it hurt my feelings and i'm feeling the pinch from being here too. the magic has partially worn off today. but i know it's still there. we're just tired. another reason i got sad is that it's just nice to talk to someone that understands me. and i felt separate from that tonight. i was on my own. but that's OK sometimes. plus, i talked to caitlin and josh and they both know me very well and vice versa and they made me feel loads better.
anyway, finished my resume and sent it off with al's to the african safari place for consideration to be interns there. we had a chat and she admitted that i bugged her earlier but she was just in a bad mood. i figure it'll happen. we live in close quarters, all of us. it happens to the best of us. i just take some time to myself and relax and regroup. it'll be fine. i just want to regain my love for what i'm doing here. with gusto. tomorrow we have the elderly center and an english teaching activity that alice and i will do for the kids and donors at another school. then we go to the sub kuch to hang with jono (who used to live at the sub kuch and has been traveling in eastern europe, now back). long story. anyway. watched mama mia. really cheesy, but it made me really happy that my mom is coming this weekend. holy shit!!! i don't even know. but i'm sleepy as shit.
goodnight...
love,
sally
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