halloween night, ray ray (as polaris), buffy (as where's waldo), alon (as himself), tessa (as some version of a hippie), al (as coach), and i (as ofir) caught a sheruit to tel aviv. al forgot the most important article of clothing for her costume (sandals that she begged coach sneakily for) so she had to fucking book it back to the house and back to the sheruit before it left her. she did it.
once we got to tel aviv, we walked to sub kuch to eat and hang out. i also called my brother and gammy. gammy's not very happy right now because she can't see and said that she'll see me when i get back. she also said that she needs me, which is disconcerting. i haven't told her i'm thinking of staying longer... eddie didn't get onto the birthright trip he can come on that doesn't conflict with his school schedule, so i hope that if he emails ellen from israelfree.com and tells her he needs to come visit me, she'll stick him on the right trip. i miss him. we got to talk for a minute, which was really nice. met some real nice folks at the bar. one guy, eddie from canada, is making an experimental short film about transitional spaces by flying to each continent and filming the runways of airports. i was really interested in his story and how he got funding for such a project. he confided in me that he applied for grants from canadian art councils. so that's an idea al and i can look into for our doc. he also has a fibonacci rectangle tattoo. we talked about that in relation to photography. i wondered if i compose my photographs in such a way. eddie was sitting with pauline, a french girl that is working with mentally-disabled children in jerusalem. we all had a nice chat and exchanged information. we ate yummy food and hung out in the gallery until it was time to walk to the central station to catch a number 5 sheruit to ben gurion and diessengoff to our co-worker katie's halloween party. on the walk, al and i ducked into an alley to transform ourselves into coach and ofir. after getting a little turned around while trying to draw a goatee on al with a highlighter on a moving sheruit, we finally found katie on the street and all walked back to the party.
had a really fun time at the party. ofir and coach (clad in my spandex and bathing suit as flashdance-ish) died laughing at al's and my impressions of them. we all hung out and had a blast. the party got called at around 2, so al and i cabbed it back to the subkuch to hang out or sleep until we got picked up by orna's brother at 7AM. there was no room to sleep or sit at the bar and the gallery was closed, likewise with the roof, so al and i just sat at the top of the stairs and talked and spied and rested. we tried to go downstairs, but there was still no room, so we laid on the curb outside and just talked. i realized that i missed josh, but i really just miss being in a relationship sometimes. being that close to someone. we could never be together again. we've passed the point of no return, but it's just hard to imagine being that intimate and connected with someone. even to the point of missing what it's like to fight with someone like that. very strange. must be the winter.
all of a sudden, we look up and david is standing over us. we all go inside and talk and hang out at the bar with meital going crazy as usual. this girl is fucking nuts but really funny and sweet. she was on the israeli big brother and is an actress now. she's my pimp. for men. or something. hung with chico, david, meital, and some random creepy at the bar, then retired to the couches to take some polaroids and rest up for bar mitzvah time. creepy tried to take a photo up al's skirt, but we were all so tired/shocked, that we didn't do anything. plus, his camera was dead. haha. fucker. david and i took a quick walk to get some water for me and cigarettes for him before i went back to change into normal person quisi-nice clothing for the synagogue. we got ourselves together enough to call orna and her brother, unsuccessfully convincing them we were sick, and walk to meet them in the car.
we arrived in lapid after, also unseccesfully, trying to sneak a nap in the car, while pretending that we actually slept and didn't party that night. hiding FAIL. but we all met orna and the fam and walked up the steepish hill to the synagogue where eran and elan already were. the temple was small but was separated by sex, so it's orthodox. we arrived with orna, yarden, rachaeli (alon and jade's host mom), elan's mom and aunt, orna's brother, his wife, and their 2 sons. al i were both fighting sleep, but it was really fascinating to watch the service. it was a normal saturday morning service, punctuated by moments or candy throwing at eran, which is an ordinary, even expected, occurrance when a member of the congregation is celebrating a bar mitzvah. after i retreated outside to relieve the contents of my stomach (after which i was fine for the rest of the day) it came time for eran to read his torah portion. he stood up and we threw candy yet again. i looked on smiling as only a big sister would. i was so proud. it was as if i was watching eddie reading his torah portion on his bar mitzvah day. and i don't remember if i looked on with such pride on the actual day, but if i didn't, i sure made up for it at eran's. i couldn't stop smiling. he did such a great job. and afterwards, they set up a little picnic table with snacks for the whole synagogue before we walked back to the house to eat some more. yarden and eran saw how tired we were and after congratulating them and watching some of yarden's bat mitzvah video (she wanted to show us where the party will be next weekend), we took a nap before being driven home by orna. it was a nice day.
once home, we passed the fuck out and slept until 8:30PM. we woke up and made some pasta with veggies before sticking annie hall on the computadora via some stream website. it's been a while since i've seen it, but annie hall is one of my favorite movies of all time. it's just so awkward and unnerving and real. and ridiculous. and i feel both incredibly intelligent and equally uninformed every time i watch it, whether i get the references or not. woody allen is a joke. my loneliness, however, was reignited during the scene after diane keaton calls alvie over to kill the spider and the reconcile. you know, the one where they are laying in bed just in the glory and misery of what a relationship does to two people who know they are so right and so wrong for each other simultaneously. i miss that. that's what i miss. probably nothing else. that's my favorite scene. well, that and the lobster scene. nothing beats that. and i made a playlist for alice. i told her to listen to it when i'm not around.
anyway, the downloading fucked up so we didn't get to finish the movie, but we both got an email from chris (one of the managers of the safari resort in africa that we want to intern with) and he sounded very positive about the prospect of an unpaid internship with them after january. there are positives and negatives to this, but i think we are going. he asked us to send our CVs so we'll do that tomorrow night. very fucking excited about this. i just want to say that i'm really inspired by anton (just decided to travel around the world as a documentarian), brian harkin (great photojournalist, i wish i could take photos like him), kaity (just passionate about photography and takes the initiative every day), trish (most genuinely passionate photographer i've ever met), jeff mclane (studied photography and he became such a sweet and talented young man), marissa (for sticking with something she knows is right for her even though it's so hard), ernie (seeking difficult and imperative knowledge despite it's seemingly ambiguous nature), and alice (for doing what her heart tells her to do and not giving a shit what other people think of her. whether i know them or they know me, there's a few of the many people that i'm endlessly grateful for in my life. just to watch and learn from.
woke up for ulpan, had two cups of coffee and i don't know what got into me but i was a photo takin' fool all morning. i didn't care of what, or of whom but i asked people and snuck a few, but just took photos all day. it felt great. i felt free. and wonderful. and ulpan was fast paced and i really enjoyed it. i was going to run but i kept writing this thing and i didn't. oh fucking well. went to work and found a trip that i can get eddie on so he can still come. i called him 15 billion times at 7 in the morning and then another 5 billion when i was about to get off. he thinks i'm a fucking crazy person, but at least now he'll get to come when dad and joan are here too. also, i was chosen to speak as a representative for ISC on the conference call with momo, zvi, todd, ofir, coach, and the people interested in ISC and interning here. i think i did pretty well, but they recorded it to stream on the website, so i'll check that later. plus, the new website went live tonight with my photos and they look pretty good.
got home from work and had a really lovely video chat with marissa, my little bug. i really miss the shit out of her. she's my best friend and she knows me better than most. al and i had a really revelatory talk. we were talking about going to africa and what would happen after and we talked a little about film school. and maybe actually moving to new york before i'm 25 like i promised myself i would. it works out in my head right now. africa until summer, making a documentary while we're here and then there. using it to apply to nyu film school. then going to film school. while we were talking about it, i felt envigorated creatively. i know i've been wanting to go back to school eventually, but i really just couldn't figure out for what. because nothing felt right. but film is an interesting concept. i think i might be able to do that and like it. who knows. i talked about how glad i was that i was able to summon the courage to dive into this opportunity. and how sad it makes me to see people that allow family, jobs, and money become obstacles the their own lives. these obstacles become bigger than they are and thus enslave them. we become slaves to the very aspects of our lives that we create. i know i would have never forgiven myself for not coming here. and i'm glad i came with alli and that we met each other. i do not reveal my true self easily. not on purpose, but i'm a nut that doesn't crack herself to very many people. i can only say this about 4 or 5 other people. for whatever reason, i met someone i can be myself with and learn from. but the most important thing is that i have the mental and physical space to learn for myself. i am happy. and i haven't been this light in a while. i worry, just like always, but nothing seems like it weighs on me like it did at home. like my future will not rot and crush me. my life will be good as long as i have the courage to choose it.
i might even be able to like someone again. just might. maybe i'm just now getting over josh. like 4 and a half years of memories and shared experiences was too much to process, that i just didn't even know how to deal with it until i could gradually let it go. that's why i haven't even thought dating was a possibility. and i might not even now, but it doesn't seem impossible anymore. so that's a start. i heard 'somebody that i used to know' by elliott smith tonight. i put it on al's playlist that i made. it made me think of those old times. and the lyrics are perfect as usual. elliott smith is always a part of me. just like josh will always be. but i need to let go. (but not of elliott smith :))
alright enough of that. but i am excited that photography is something that i have and do and started to do for myself. the first thing that i decided to do without any coercion or continual influence from anyone else.
it's late, and tomorrow al and i get up super early to walk to el-em, get picked up and dropped off at a school, then picked up with teenagers and taken to the volcani ministry of agriculture for our first day of the greenhouse project. then we have a trip of some kind. but i'm supposed to teach photography at kadima tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. photos someday. promise. i have them, i've just been too fucking busy. which is a story, bullshit excuse. sorry everyone. but i am happy.
so goodnight. and if you're scared to take this risk or that risk, just remember, like i should: it's my life, and i decide how it will go. nothing is too big, or too hard. it just takes a bit of courage.
ok. hallmark channel out.
love,
sally
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